The Momnificent™ Blog

Blended Family Discipline

Your kids have been through the separation of their parents…then a divorce…and now a new marriage that comes with a brand new blended family.  You wonder, shouldn’t I just give my kids a break and loosen up on my discipline?

 

Reasons for your discipline to remain the same:

• Your values haven’t changed and you should continue to teach your children the difference between right and wrong
• Boundaries and guidelines show your children that you love them
• Providing discipline actually gives the consistency and security your kids need in a time when a lot of things are changing around them

 

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids and for your home.

 

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as:

• No eating in the living room
• No T.V. after 9pm on a school night
• Everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals

These rules will apply to every child in your family.  Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child.

 

Note:  it also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

 

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the “heavy,” or the one who enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know his new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

 

Be Consistent

If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

 

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  This stability and consistency will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family to a strong, successful united family.

 

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit our website for more help with your blended and step family issues.

Blended Family Advice

Do You Share Responsibilities in Your Family?

One of the frustrating aspects of being a mom is feeling like all the responsibilities for the house, our children, social planning, errands, doctor's appts., etc. fall on us.  Many of us work just like our husband, and some of us even have help from our husband with the various aspects of managing a family.

But when it comes down to it, the brundt of these tasks, or even the planning of how these tasks are going to get done still land in our lap.  Our husband might say "Just ask me.  I can help you."  And sometimes they will the first time we ask, and sometimes it takes several reminders before we get the help we are needing.  However, if moms had it their way, they would get the help they need without having to ask.

Women are simply more observant than men, and they have the skills to keep a bunch of balls in the air at one time.  It's not that they necessarily want it to be that way; it just is what it is.  For instance, a few weeks ago my husband cleaned out his CD cabinet so we could move in the new furniture.  In organizing his cabinet, there was about 20 or so CDs that didn't fit in the cabinet.  So he made two stacks of CDs and put them on top of the cabinet, instead of inside the cabinet.  Everyday I walk by the family room, I see these stacks of CDs seemingly having no home.  I wonder to myself "Is he going to find a place for those, or are they going to continue to sit on top of the cabinet?"  Weeks go by and the CDs don't move, and I know that if I want they to be put away somewhere, I will have to ask.  I prefer my husband notice this on his own, but I'm not counting on that.

So how do we get the ongoing help we need from our family - husband and children?  My solution is to set up a responsibility plan that is constant from week to week.  Instead of asking your husband if he can help give the children a bath, make Tuesday and Thursday nights his night to bathe the children.  Make setting the table, putting away clothes, or cooking a meal on Wednesday night someone's permanent responsibility.  Get the task or responsibility off your plate and put it on someone else's plate.  This will free you up to do other things that are important to you - like working out, reading a good book or having dinner with a friend.  Your kids and husband make time for the things they enjoy, right?  It will also keep you from having to constantly ask for help, or getting mad when family members don't voluntarily offer their help.

Tell me.  How does your family currently share responsibility?

Momnificent! Weekly Tips and Quotes

Every day I try and share a mom tip and quote that will inspire you on your motherhood journey.  This is my first week of starting this so we are short a few days.  Here is a recap of the tips and quotes from this week:

Momnificent! Tips of the Day

9/23 - Decide what new skill or habit you want or need to develop and act on it today.

9/24 - Integrate a fun and consistent exercise routine into your life.  Taking care of YOU is a great gift to your children.

9/25 - What have you been procrastinating on lately?  Get it done today.  You'll feel much better!

Quotes from The Momnificent! Life

9/24 - "There is always something to be learned from everything that happens in life."

9/25 - "When we surround ourselves with positive people that share like minds with us, we create a synergistic relationship."

Any Comments?

When People Pleasing Becomes Harmful

In Bridget Brennan's book "Why She Buys", she talks about significant differences between men and women.  One gender difference she points out is that "Women and men define achievement in different ways.  Men strive to be independent; women strive to be indispensable."  Creating successful relationships is a top priority for women, and we often go out of our way to make sure people are happy.

I admit.  I am a people pleaser by nature.  In some ways, it has served me well.  I do my best to keep peace between fighting family members.  I try to be flexible and consider the needs of others.  I strive all the time to offer my best to everyone around me.  But sometimes people pleasing can be draining.  There are times when this behavior doesn't serve us well at all.  Here are some situations for you to nix the people pleasing and try something new.

With People Who Can't Be Pleased

You know who I am talking about.  There are just some people, no matter how hard you try, that just can't be pleased.  Nothing is ever good enough.  This individual looks for the negative in everything, and by golly, he or she will find it.  You cannot please someone like this, so don't waste your energy trying.

When People Pleasing Hurts Another Individual

You would think that if you are pleasing another individual that it would be helpful and good.  Not always.  Sometimes people pleasing can turn into enabling.  Enabling another individual, when he should be taking responsibility for himself is actually hurtful.  People pleasing that interferes with people learning the valuable lessons in life they need to learn is a detriment to their growth.

When People Pleasing Causes You to Sacrifice Something Important to You

There are things in our lives that we care little about.  Perhaps you really don't care what movie you see or what restaurant you eat at.  There are issues we have an opinion about, and then there are topics and values that hold a lot of importance to us.  If you feel angry or severely compromised by acquiescing to please someone else, then it's time to reconsider and honor what's important to you.

Is People Pleasing Draining Your Energy?

Some women spend so much of their energy pleasing other people that there is no time to please themselves.  This leaves us feeling depleted and empty.  There is such thing as extreme people pleasing.  For people pleasing to be healthy, it must be balanced with the need to take good care of ourselves.  I recently wrote an article titled "Everyone Always Needs Me, but I Have Needs Too".

If this post and article on needs resonates with you, it may be time to take better care of yourself.  This month is Self-Care month at Momnificent!  We are offering a free coaching program called "The NeedLess Program" to anyone who invests in themselves at Momnificent! University.  Purchase anything from Momnificent! University, and the NeedLess Program will be emailed as our gift to you.  The NeedLess Program will help you identify what your core emotional needs are and set up a program to get your needs consistently met.  Promotion ends September 30, 2009.

Have anything to say about people pleasing?  We'd love to hear!

Learning to Accept Your and Other's Uniqueness

I admit it.  I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love for about 2 years now.  Most of the time I have my head buried in non-fiction books, or my latest love Entrepreneur and Inc. magazines.  But last night I needed a break from work so I picked up Eat, Pray, Love.

At one point in the book, the author, Elizabeth, decided she was too talkative and she needed to change.  For a social, bubbly kind of girl, vowing to practice silence was not an easy task.  She literally had to go against the grain of her natural personality to undergo her perceived need to be different.  My guess is there was some aspect of her talkative personality that she felt was not serving her well.  Perhaps it was a challenged ability to listen, or an uncontrollable urge to interrupt.  In the book, Elizabeth momentarily lost touch with her uniqueness, until she was given a new job at the Ashram.  Understandably so, someone felt she would make a great "Key Hostess".  Her job was to be friendly and talkative with everyone she encountered.

How many times have you examined your own personality and tendencies and wished you could be different?  I know I have.  There are many times I wished I was funnier, but to be honest, although I have a great sense of humor, I am by nature fairly serious.  At one point in my life, I longed to be more creative.  I've gotten over that now, and have since embraced my own unique creativity.  Even if you are completely in love with who you are, I'll bet sometimes you struggle with accepting other people's uniqueness.  And no doubt there are probably some people that struggle with you.  I know my husband would love for me to be more rule-oriented and structured, just like I would rejoice if he could be more flexible.

Learning to accept who you are today is the first step towards loving yourself, and being willing to embrace people who are different than us is an important ingredient for learning to love others.  That's not always easy, but it's exactly what shapes and grows our character.  One of the ways to embrace an unfavorable trait is to be able to see its benefits.  Most traits have two faces.  A humorous person can entertain and see the lighter side of life, but she can also offend people and experience challenges when a more serious approach is necessary.  A creative person adds flair and creativity, but sometimes struggles with organization and staying on task.

Once you embrace the benefits of your or another person's less than desirable behaviors, it becomes easier to accept it.  With acceptance, change can take place if a person desires.  Without acceptance, the internal conflict and fight will make change difficult.  We all have the ability to change, but first examine your reasons for wanting to change.  When in your heart, you know you could function better, be happier, or improve your relationships, then by all means, embrace change.  But don't ever forget what makes you and others unique.  It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.

Moving from "Me First" to "We First"

I think it is normal human instinct to want our way.  If we are truly honest with ourselves, we sometimes convinces ourselves that life would be so much better if people just did things our way.  If only he folded clothes the "right" way, I could use his help.  Why does she always have to talk so much?  Doesn't she know I am tired and want to relax?  It sure would be nice if these kids would just pick up their toys without being asked.  We all operate from our own agenda.  This is the "me first" attitude.

If we lived alone in this world, I suppose that attitude would work well.  But everywhere we go, there are other people that we are in relationship with.  We have relationships at home, at work, at church, in school, and anywhere else you have two or more people interacting with one another.  The "me first" attitude doesn't work so well in relationships.  To work well together and maintain the integrity of the relationship, a "we first" attitude works much better.

So how do we move from "me first" to "we first"?

• First, acknowledge your tendency to think first about your own agenda, needs, feelings and ideas.
• Understand that everyone else is doing the same thing.
• Practice listening to the other person first.  Wipe your thoughts out of your mind momentarily while you deeply listen to new ideas, perspectives and feelings.
• Keep your mind open to truly understanding where another person is coming from.  If you don't listen, you can't find your common ground.
• Share your thoughts, feelings and perspectives and insist on being heard by the other person if they are failing to listen.
• Brainstorm together to find your common ground.  Sometimes you may share common feelings about a problem, but have different ideas on how to solve the problem.  You may want the same result, but don't see eye to eye on how to achieve that result.  Other times you may find nothing in common other than your anger and stubbornness.
• Accept that a "we first" attitude is the best option for your relationship.  Without it, you are compromising your relationship.
• Talk about how you can create win-win solutions in the relationship.  What needs to take place for both parties to feel like a winner?
• Win-win solutions require us to sometimes change our perspectives, learn and try new ideas, and believe that sometimes the "win" is the result we receive when we love and care for another human being.

The purpose of relationships is to provide us with an avenue to grow our character and ultimately be blessed because we fostered a "we first" attitude.

Stopping to Treasure our Loved Ones

The doorbell just rang.  Outside my door sat an 8" x 8" priority mail box.  I looked at the label to see who it was from.  Oh yes, I know her.  She started out as a client (and still is), but has blossomed into a wonderful friend.  Excited to see what was inside this box, I tore open the packaging.  Opening the flaps I was greeted with pink shredded paper that protected the gift.  Doing what every good girl does first, I read the enclosed letter:

Dear Lori, Just thinking of you!!  Thank you for teaching me about coaching and friendship.  It is because of you that I am reaping new chapters of learning and blessings in my life.  May you be encouraged as the seasons of life bring different aspects, rewards and challenges.  May your friendships grow and may you always find fulfillment for your heart's desire.  P.S.  This little care package provides chocolate (Vande Walles gourmet) for PMS/hormones, kleenex for leaking eyes (beautiful pink, floral tissues I might add) and a cup whether half full or half empty that you will see the cup of life as interesting and beautiful! (she sent a gorgeous coffee cup with my name on it).

Please don't misunderstand this post.  I share this with you, not to show you that someone thinks I am special, but to tell you how genuinely touched I was by this small, but huge, care package.  In this busy world, we don't often take the time to tell our loved ones just how much they mean to us.  Perhaps we guard our hearts and keep our feelings to ourselves.  Or maybe we just forget that we all need to know we are special to soomeone.

I cried tears of joy and gratitude when I received this package.  It completely changed my day.  It doesn't take much to treasure our loved ones.  Go out and make someone feel loved today!

Building Your Olympic Team

I absolutely love the Olympics, and women's gymnastics is by far my favorite event.  Ever since I was a teenager, I have watched the Olympics.  I remember watching when Nadia Comaneci was the Olympic champion and the first ever to receive a perfect 10.  At the time, we were very close in age and I cut out every magazine picture and article I could find on her.  I truly admired her.

Tonight was no different as I was glued to the television watching China and USA women compete in gymnastics.  Both teams had amazing successes, and disappointing setbacks.  One little China girl fell off the uneven bars.  Two USA girls landed out of bounds on their floor routines.  But the one thing I noticed throughout the whole evening is the unconditional support that each girl gave their team members.  Each individual gymnast's performance affected the team score, but each girl received the same love and support regardless of her successes or failures.

I started thinking about how important it is to have an Olympic team to support us through life.  No doubt those Olympic gymnasts are under a tremendous amount of pressure, and it goes without saying that they work hard.  As moms, we have our own share of pressure, and without a doubt, motherhood can be hard.

Life is so much easier when we have an Olympic team that is there for us no matter what.  When our children are sick, we want an employer that can understand and offer us flexibility.  We want a husband that will love us on our good days and bad days.  We need friends that will celebrate our successes and hug us when we're ready to give up.

At the end of the night's competition, I listened to the USA gymnasts as they huddled together.  They formed a circle with their arms around each other.  Each girl had something to say, and nothing negative was said despite the mistakes that were made.  They laughed, encouraged and supported one another.  Their leader and coach gave them an uplifting and positive talk, and the last thing she said to them was "I am proud of you."

Who's on your Olympic team?  Do you support one another through life even when you make mistakes?  Do you love each other unconditionally?  And one final question.  Is God at the center of your Olympic team - the leader and coach of your life?

What is Momnificent?

A few weeks ago, I ran a survey with my newsletter list asking them how they felt about the term "Momnificent".  I did not define it purposely because I wanted to see if moms would identify with it.  A few moms thought the term was ridiculous.  Some said it wasn't important to them, and some were confused by what it meant.  However, over 60% of moms that took the survey said they love it and they want to be momnificent!  I don't want to leave you in the dark about what this play on words actually means so I am going to define it for you and give you the results of the Momnificent survey.

Momnificent describes any mom that values living a healthy, positive, balanced and magnificent life.  It doesn't matter whether or not you feel momnificent because I understand that many moms struggle to live this kind of life.  It is not easy, and you don't have to do it perfectly to be momnificent.  If you are on my newsletter list, you are momnificent!  And there are many moms out there in this world that are momnificent, even though they haven't found my website to join the rest of us.  As a matter of fact, I don't think too many moms would say they don't want to live a momnificent life.  The question is how do you do it?  Without further waiting, I am now going to tell you how you can feel momnificent.  But remember, you are already momnificent even though you might not have mastered all of these 8 elements.  Here is your guideline for living a momnificent life:

1.  Having Confidence as a Woman and a Mom

According to the survey, 16.6% said they are extremely confident and feel great about who they are.  65.5% said they have average confidence, but would like to be more confident.  17.8% said they are somewhat confident but don't have time to focus on that.  No one said confidence was not important to them.

2.  Ability to Set Healthy Boundaries in Life

According to the survey, 6.3% said they are masters at setting boundaries.  68.9% said they are practicing setting better boundaries, but could still use some help.  22.9% said life would be a whole lot better if they learn to set boundaries.  1.7% said they've tried setting boundaries and it doesn't work, so they gave up.

3.  Positive Energy to Give to their Family and to the World

According to the survey, 4.5% said they have plenty of positive energy to give.  75.2% said some days they have positive energy, while other days they are irritable and tired.  17.8% said they are trying to manage all the things that drain their energy, but it's hard.  2.2% said they have very little motivation to do anything and they don't care.

4.  Creates and Maintains Positive and Supportive Relationships

According to the survey, 51.7% feel blessed to have so many positive and supportive relationships.  41.3% said they have a great marriage.  41.9% said they love their friends because they are so inspiring.  32% said their marriage is good, but could use more girlfriends.  18.9% said they have a lot of great friends, but their marriage could use some work.  41.9% said they feel like they need more positive relationships in their life.  33.9% said their relationship with God is very strong.  43.6% said they wish they had a better relationship with God.  2.8% said they don't believe in God.  41.3% said their relationship with money was healthy, while 33.9% said their relationship with money needs some work.  40.8% said their relationship with self is just as important as other relationships.  25.8% said they don't really think about having a relationship with self.  35.6% said they wish they had time to focus on having a relationship with their self.

5.  Lives a Balanced Life

According to the survey, 44.8% said living a balanced life is very important to them and they practice it all the time.  48.8% said life balance would be nice, but they either don't think it's realistic or they are struggling to maintain balance.  5.1% said they don't really try to have balance because they like their life the way it is.  It's clear that these 5.1% are probably balanced because they are satisfied with their life.

6.  Has a Spiritual Foundation

According to the survey, 63.7% said having a spiritual foundation is very important to them.  24.1% said they understand and honor their life purpose.  35% said they wish they knew what their life purpose was.  31.6% said they have a strong need to engage in regular spiritual practice.  24.7% said they use their gifts and talents for the greater good of the Universe.  34.4% said they want more spiritual direction in their life.

7.  Practices Regular Self-Care

According to the survey, 28.7% said they practice regular self-care because it makes them a better mom.  65.5% said self-care is important but it keeps falling to the bottom of their "to do" list.  3.4% said their life is dedicated to their children and self-care is not important to them.  2.2% said practicing self-care makes them feel selfish so they totally avoid it.

8.  Nurturing and Effective Parent

According to the survey, 14.3% said they are a natural born mother and it's what they do best.  76.4% said they have their normal struggles as a mom, but they are always trying to improve.  8% said nurturing doesn't come natural and they could really use help in this area.

So this is what "Momnificent" is all about.  It's just a guideline for helping moms live healthy, positive, balanced and magnificent lives.  I guarantee if you practice and grow in these elements, you will feel momnificent!

Navigating our Way through Friendship

About two months ago, I was coaching a client on the topic of friendship.  She was going through what she called a "dry spell" with friends.  She had a deep desire for connection and relationship with women friends, but these women friends did not seem to have the same priority.  At the time, I remember feeling very blessed by all the "solid" friendships I had in my life.

Today, just 60 days later, I find myself in a completely different place.  I am looking around me and wondering what has happened to all my "friends".  My best friend is going through a tragic time in her life and has disconnected from me.  Another friend got married and started a new life with her husband.  Another friend is going down a different path with some other friends; a path that is different than mine.  And all my other friends are just busy and wrapped up in their own lives.

As I reflect on what is happening in my life, I know that I am not alone in how I am feeling right now.  There are a lot of women out there that long to have deeper connections in their lives.  I know because I talk to other women.  In a recent survey I ran, 32% of moms said "My marriage is good, but I could use more girlfriends", and 42% said "I feel like I need more positive relationships in my life."  So how do we navigate our way through friendship and stay connected in this world of busyness?

On a more practical level, I think we make time for the friends that we love.  We love our friends in the way they want to be loved, which requires us to know who they are and what they want and need from us.  We close the door to friendships that are no longer working with the promise that a new door will open and a new friend will walk through.  For me, there are spiritual reasons for relationships and I always lean on this famous poem as a reminder that this sadness and loneliness that I am feeling right now is only temporary.  I know this because I have been in this place before and I know that things will change.

"When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people involved; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships, and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do."