The Momnificent™ Blog

Gifts Everyone Appreciates

Yesterday my husband and I were talking about our Christmas list, and brainstorming ideas for Christmas gifts for everyone.  As I read through some of the names, I realized anything I bought for them would just be something they probably already have, or don't need.  I bet you have some people like that on your list.  I got to thinking about what gifts I could give that everyone appreciates and didn't clutter up the house with more "stuff".

Here are some ideas I came up with:

Donations to Charities:  The first thought that came to my mind was giving a donation in their honor to Feed My Starving Children or some other charity I know this person would align with.

Words of Affirmation:  My son Ian just received the best gift I have ever seen from his classmates for his 8th birthday.  He brought home a gigantic scroll that said "We like Ian because..."  Every child wrote down a reason they liked Ian.  When I read these words of affirmation back to Ian with joy and enthusiasm, he was grinning from ear to ear.  There was no doubt this gift filled his heart with pride for who he was.

Acts of Service:  What about giving coupons or gift certificates to people that entitle them to some act of service you know they would love.  This coupon entitles you to a weekend of relaxation - I will come and do all your weekend chores.  Or how about a promise to fix their favorite meal and dessert?

Gifts of Love:  Try offering someone genuine forgiveness, or unconditional love.  Give your loved one the gift of peace and quiet for a day.  Thanking someone for the great person she is, or for all she gives and does.  Promise someone you will truly listen without distractions.  Growing your character to be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, attentive, gentle, faithful or reliable is one of the greatest gifts you could give someone.

Homemade Gifts:  I am a big advocate of thoughtful gifts.  Nothing speaks more to "thoughtfulness" than something you have taken time to make.  Whether it is a batch of cookies with a personalized note, a homemade Christmas ornament, or a personal poem, homemade gifts say "I care enough about you to spend time on you."  One of the gifts my husband often makes for people is personalized music CDs, with music that communicates a certain theme or specific message.

Inspiration:  One of my favorite websites is Simple Truths.  They have so many inspirational books, movies and pictures.  What person doesn't need positive messages on a regular basis they can read or listen to?

This holiday season, you don't have to wrack your brain or pick out another tie you know your loved one doesn't need.  Use your love and creativity to give a gift that will leave an impression.

Tell Me Who's Your Friend...I'll Tell You Who You Are

Your personal and business success hinges on the people with whom you share your time.  With the right support you'll be energised, encouraged and empowered...your business will thrive.  Without it...your business will barely survive.  

To be successful, you must surround yourself with successful people, and that includes friends and family.  So as you gear up for the festive season, it's important to consider how much influence your best friend, partner, sister, mother or personal trainer has on the success of your business.  

It's recognised that we are the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time.  

I'll explain this further by way of 3 phenomena.

The Magnet Effect

We are magnets drawing together like-minded people.  And the people you attract have a huge effect on the beliefs and ideas that you have about yourself.

When you are confident about your success, vision and life purpose, you attract those people who radiate similar beliefs.  These people then become a powerful force that will propel you forward.  

Conversely, if you spend time with negative victims who gossip about others...this paints a picture of who You are.

Ask yourself, who am I drawing into my life?  They could be people you know or people you hire, your coach, your mentor, your strategist, your outsource professionals.  Am I moving towards the people who are where I want to be?
    
The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect is a scientific phenomena coined by Edward Lorenz. The concept explains that a butterfly, flapping its wings in South America can affect the weather in Central Park. The actual definition is:

"A small variation of an initial condition may produce a large

variation, in the longer term of a system."

While you cannot change another's behaviour, you can change yours.

So when you do something small, for example, when you decide that you're too busy to listen to time wasting jokes and you ask everybody to, "Please stop sending them to me."  You're taking charge of your life.  You're telling the world that your time is important.  And you're asking others to respect your time.  You are making a small, but powerful decision that changes your life. 

And with those changes unsupportive people and things are organically culled.

The Mozart Effect

The Mozart Effect is a phenomena described by French researcher Alfred Tomatis which states that listening to certain types of music; in particular, Mozart, brings about healing and developmental properties.

The transformational powers of music affect your health, education and well-being. Subliminally your life is affected by the music you listen to AND the people you listen to.  You need to ask...is this the music I want to hear?  Is it supporting my well-being and transforming my life?

The people that you draw into your life, the small actions you take and the music that you listen to have a HUGE affect on your physical and mental well-being as well as the well-being of your business.

So I ask...with whom will you choose to share your time this Festive Season?
 
Internationally acclaimed, Success Coach, Mumpreneur, Speaker and Writer Tania Usher is dedicated to creating freedom for Entrepreneurs globally through the power of Building Brilliant Businesses^(TM). To learn how to create an extraordinary life now, register for her free weekly articles at www.TaniaUsherInternational.com

Who You Are Makes a Difference

In this season of gratitude, don't forget to let everyone know they make a difference to you.  You, readers of my blog, make a difference to me and many other people.  Let's spread the blue ribbon!

Blue Ribbon Movie

My College Student's First Visit Home

It was 2:00 in the morning, and I heard the garage door open.  Reminded me of old times.  Tiptoeing out of my bedroom, I walked half way down the stairs.  Peeking over the banister into the hallway, there he stood with a big grin on his face.  His first words to me were "I knew you would wake up."

I gave my college student a big hug.  I am very happy he is home.  He looks at me and you could tell things had changed.  He said "Your hair is getting long, and it's black!"  He walked around the house, looking at everything.  He opened the refrigerator, opened the food cabinet, just to make sure home was still home.

A lot has changed in the 3 months he has been gone.  There are two new cars in the garage, and there is new family room furniture.  But I think what has changed the most is that my son has grown up.  It brings tears to my eyes, but it's true.  I asked him, "How does it feel to be home?"  He said "Good but weird."  Life as Kai knows it has been college.  His new home is his dorm room.  He lives in Columbia, Missouri, not Aurora, Illinois.

I still think that there is magic in our childhood home though.  Even though some things have changed, I wanted Kai to experience the familiarity of home - those things that made home what it once was.  We spent the day cleaning the house, and decorating it for Christmas.  What he walked home to was comfort and beauty, love and family - the wonderful things that make home special.

Everyone is excited to see Kai.  His best friend is sleeping in our guest room right now - home from University of Illinois.  His girlfriend is ecstatic and will drink in the time she has with him for the next week.  Kai's other friends wait in line to spend some time with him.  Kai, for one week, will be reunited with the memories of his former life - life before college.

I know Kai will be leaving again soon so I want to cherish every moment I have with him.  I have to navigate my way through the transition Kai is going through.  This "weird" feeling he has means he is creating a life for himself as an adult.  For three months, he has had no supervision.  He has made all decisions on his own.  He has taken care of his own laundry, made sure he was fed, decided when he goes to bed, whether or not he does homework, and who he spends his time with.

I'm still his mom, and to me, he is still my first born son, whom I adore with all my heart.  I went out this morning to buy Dunkin Donuts for the family because I knew he would love it when he finally wakes up.  I know I have to share him with all of his friends, but I want to make sure Kai knows, when he goes back to college next weekend, that home will always be home.

Blended Family Discipline

Your kids have been through the separation of their parents…then a divorce…and now a new marriage that comes with a brand new blended family.  You wonder, shouldn’t I just give my kids a break and loosen up on my discipline?

 

Reasons for your discipline to remain the same:

• Your values haven’t changed and you should continue to teach your children the difference between right and wrong
• Boundaries and guidelines show your children that you love them
• Providing discipline actually gives the consistency and security your kids need in a time when a lot of things are changing around them

 

How do we handle our step kids?

You and your new spouse should discuss house rules and standards for your new home.  Discipline should be considered fair to both adults.  It’s important to respect the biological parent’s history of parenting, but still come to a mutual understanding of how all children will be treated and disciplined in your home.  It’s time for the two of you to discuss boundaries and guidelines for your kids and for your home.

 

All kids treated equally

All kids should be treated fairly and equally.  After you and your spouse create house rules such as:

• No eating in the living room
• No T.V. after 9pm on a school night
• Everyone helps clean up the kitchen after meals

These rules will apply to every child in your family.  Consequences can be different, based on age differences and developmental stage, but consequences still need to be equal and fair, whether it’s a biological child or step child.

 

Note:  it also helps if the adults follow the same rules. It’s hard to explain why Dad is eating in the living room, and no one else can!

 

Biological parent takes the lead

The biological parent should always take the lead, in front of the kids. The new stepparent should not be perceived as the “heavy,” or the one who enforces the rules.  Allow your spouse time to get to know his new step kids, and the biological parent can enforce the consequences of disobeying the family rules.

 

Be Consistent

If you make a rule, keep it, everyday. Don’t change the rules on the days you are tired, or the days your spouse is out of the house or out of town.

 

No secret alliances with your biological kids

If you change the rules when your spouse is not home, this causes your children to not respect their stepparent, and believe that the bond between you and them is stronger than the bond between the parents.  Your relationship with your spouse should take priority.  Keeping your relationship strong with your spouse provides a stable and consistent environment for your children.  This stability and consistency will create feelings of security for your children and move your blended family to a strong, successful united family.

 

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit our website for more help with your blended and step family issues.

Blended Family Advice

Do You Share Responsibilities in Your Family?

One of the frustrating aspects of being a mom is feeling like all the responsibilities for the house, our children, social planning, errands, doctor's appts., etc. fall on us.  Many of us work just like our husband, and some of us even have help from our husband with the various aspects of managing a family.

But when it comes down to it, the brundt of these tasks, or even the planning of how these tasks are going to get done still land in our lap.  Our husband might say "Just ask me.  I can help you."  And sometimes they will the first time we ask, and sometimes it takes several reminders before we get the help we are needing.  However, if moms had it their way, they would get the help they need without having to ask.

Women are simply more observant than men, and they have the skills to keep a bunch of balls in the air at one time.  It's not that they necessarily want it to be that way; it just is what it is.  For instance, a few weeks ago my husband cleaned out his CD cabinet so we could move in the new furniture.  In organizing his cabinet, there was about 20 or so CDs that didn't fit in the cabinet.  So he made two stacks of CDs and put them on top of the cabinet, instead of inside the cabinet.  Everyday I walk by the family room, I see these stacks of CDs seemingly having no home.  I wonder to myself "Is he going to find a place for those, or are they going to continue to sit on top of the cabinet?"  Weeks go by and the CDs don't move, and I know that if I want they to be put away somewhere, I will have to ask.  I prefer my husband notice this on his own, but I'm not counting on that.

So how do we get the ongoing help we need from our family - husband and children?  My solution is to set up a responsibility plan that is constant from week to week.  Instead of asking your husband if he can help give the children a bath, make Tuesday and Thursday nights his night to bathe the children.  Make setting the table, putting away clothes, or cooking a meal on Wednesday night someone's permanent responsibility.  Get the task or responsibility off your plate and put it on someone else's plate.  This will free you up to do other things that are important to you - like working out, reading a good book or having dinner with a friend.  Your kids and husband make time for the things they enjoy, right?  It will also keep you from having to constantly ask for help, or getting mad when family members don't voluntarily offer their help.

Tell me.  How does your family currently share responsibility?

Momnificent! Weekly Tips and Quotes

Every day I try and share a mom tip and quote that will inspire you on your motherhood journey.  This is my first week of starting this so we are short a few days.  Here is a recap of the tips and quotes from this week:

Momnificent! Tips of the Day

9/23 - Decide what new skill or habit you want or need to develop and act on it today.

9/24 - Integrate a fun and consistent exercise routine into your life.  Taking care of YOU is a great gift to your children.

9/25 - What have you been procrastinating on lately?  Get it done today.  You'll feel much better!

Quotes from The Momnificent! Life

9/24 - "There is always something to be learned from everything that happens in life."

9/25 - "When we surround ourselves with positive people that share like minds with us, we create a synergistic relationship."

Any Comments?

When People Pleasing Becomes Harmful

In Bridget Brennan's book "Why She Buys", she talks about significant differences between men and women.  One gender difference she points out is that "Women and men define achievement in different ways.  Men strive to be independent; women strive to be indispensable."  Creating successful relationships is a top priority for women, and we often go out of our way to make sure people are happy.

I admit.  I am a people pleaser by nature.  In some ways, it has served me well.  I do my best to keep peace between fighting family members.  I try to be flexible and consider the needs of others.  I strive all the time to offer my best to everyone around me.  But sometimes people pleasing can be draining.  There are times when this behavior doesn't serve us well at all.  Here are some situations for you to nix the people pleasing and try something new.

With People Who Can't Be Pleased

You know who I am talking about.  There are just some people, no matter how hard you try, that just can't be pleased.  Nothing is ever good enough.  This individual looks for the negative in everything, and by golly, he or she will find it.  You cannot please someone like this, so don't waste your energy trying.

When People Pleasing Hurts Another Individual

You would think that if you are pleasing another individual that it would be helpful and good.  Not always.  Sometimes people pleasing can turn into enabling.  Enabling another individual, when he should be taking responsibility for himself is actually hurtful.  People pleasing that interferes with people learning the valuable lessons in life they need to learn is a detriment to their growth.

When People Pleasing Causes You to Sacrifice Something Important to You

There are things in our lives that we care little about.  Perhaps you really don't care what movie you see or what restaurant you eat at.  There are issues we have an opinion about, and then there are topics and values that hold a lot of importance to us.  If you feel angry or severely compromised by acquiescing to please someone else, then it's time to reconsider and honor what's important to you.

Is People Pleasing Draining Your Energy?

Some women spend so much of their energy pleasing other people that there is no time to please themselves.  This leaves us feeling depleted and empty.  There is such thing as extreme people pleasing.  For people pleasing to be healthy, it must be balanced with the need to take good care of ourselves.  I recently wrote an article titled "Everyone Always Needs Me, but I Have Needs Too".

If this post and article on needs resonates with you, it may be time to take better care of yourself.  This month is Self-Care month at Momnificent!  We are offering a free coaching program called "The NeedLess Program" to anyone who invests in themselves at Momnificent! University.  Purchase anything from Momnificent! University, and the NeedLess Program will be emailed as our gift to you.  The NeedLess Program will help you identify what your core emotional needs are and set up a program to get your needs consistently met.  Promotion ends September 30, 2009.

Have anything to say about people pleasing?  We'd love to hear!

Learning to Accept Your and Other's Uniqueness

I admit it.  I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love for about 2 years now.  Most of the time I have my head buried in non-fiction books, or my latest love Entrepreneur and Inc. magazines.  But last night I needed a break from work so I picked up Eat, Pray, Love.

At one point in the book, the author, Elizabeth, decided she was too talkative and she needed to change.  For a social, bubbly kind of girl, vowing to practice silence was not an easy task.  She literally had to go against the grain of her natural personality to undergo her perceived need to be different.  My guess is there was some aspect of her talkative personality that she felt was not serving her well.  Perhaps it was a challenged ability to listen, or an uncontrollable urge to interrupt.  In the book, Elizabeth momentarily lost touch with her uniqueness, until she was given a new job at the Ashram.  Understandably so, someone felt she would make a great "Key Hostess".  Her job was to be friendly and talkative with everyone she encountered.

How many times have you examined your own personality and tendencies and wished you could be different?  I know I have.  There are many times I wished I was funnier, but to be honest, although I have a great sense of humor, I am by nature fairly serious.  At one point in my life, I longed to be more creative.  I've gotten over that now, and have since embraced my own unique creativity.  Even if you are completely in love with who you are, I'll bet sometimes you struggle with accepting other people's uniqueness.  And no doubt there are probably some people that struggle with you.  I know my husband would love for me to be more rule-oriented and structured, just like I would rejoice if he could be more flexible.

Learning to accept who you are today is the first step towards loving yourself, and being willing to embrace people who are different than us is an important ingredient for learning to love others.  That's not always easy, but it's exactly what shapes and grows our character.  One of the ways to embrace an unfavorable trait is to be able to see its benefits.  Most traits have two faces.  A humorous person can entertain and see the lighter side of life, but she can also offend people and experience challenges when a more serious approach is necessary.  A creative person adds flair and creativity, but sometimes struggles with organization and staying on task.

Once you embrace the benefits of your or another person's less than desirable behaviors, it becomes easier to accept it.  With acceptance, change can take place if a person desires.  Without acceptance, the internal conflict and fight will make change difficult.  We all have the ability to change, but first examine your reasons for wanting to change.  When in your heart, you know you could function better, be happier, or improve your relationships, then by all means, embrace change.  But don't ever forget what makes you and others unique.  It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.

Moving from "Me First" to "We First"

I think it is normal human instinct to want our way.  If we are truly honest with ourselves, we sometimes convinces ourselves that life would be so much better if people just did things our way.  If only he folded clothes the "right" way, I could use his help.  Why does she always have to talk so much?  Doesn't she know I am tired and want to relax?  It sure would be nice if these kids would just pick up their toys without being asked.  We all operate from our own agenda.  This is the "me first" attitude.

If we lived alone in this world, I suppose that attitude would work well.  But everywhere we go, there are other people that we are in relationship with.  We have relationships at home, at work, at church, in school, and anywhere else you have two or more people interacting with one another.  The "me first" attitude doesn't work so well in relationships.  To work well together and maintain the integrity of the relationship, a "we first" attitude works much better.

So how do we move from "me first" to "we first"?

• First, acknowledge your tendency to think first about your own agenda, needs, feelings and ideas.
• Understand that everyone else is doing the same thing.
• Practice listening to the other person first.  Wipe your thoughts out of your mind momentarily while you deeply listen to new ideas, perspectives and feelings.
• Keep your mind open to truly understanding where another person is coming from.  If you don't listen, you can't find your common ground.
• Share your thoughts, feelings and perspectives and insist on being heard by the other person if they are failing to listen.
• Brainstorm together to find your common ground.  Sometimes you may share common feelings about a problem, but have different ideas on how to solve the problem.  You may want the same result, but don't see eye to eye on how to achieve that result.  Other times you may find nothing in common other than your anger and stubbornness.
• Accept that a "we first" attitude is the best option for your relationship.  Without it, you are compromising your relationship.
• Talk about how you can create win-win solutions in the relationship.  What needs to take place for both parties to feel like a winner?
• Win-win solutions require us to sometimes change our perspectives, learn and try new ideas, and believe that sometimes the "win" is the result we receive when we love and care for another human being.

The purpose of relationships is to provide us with an avenue to grow our character and ultimately be blessed because we fostered a "we first" attitude.