The Momnificent™ Blog

Turning Your Child's (or Your) Bad Day into a Good Day

Yesterday morning my son Ian woke up with his usual smile on his face, but that smile quickly faded when I told him it was shower day.  He didn't want to take a shower.  We had plenty of time so I gave him a choice of taking a shower with Dad, or a bath by himself.  Reluctant to choose either one, he finally settled on the bath.  As he settled into the bathtub of warm running water, I decided I would jump in the shower while he relaxed in the bathtub (he's 8 so he's not likely to drown).

The bathtub was about halfway full, and I knew I needed some hot water too for a shower so I proceeded to shut off Ian's bath water.  This is what started the "very bad morning".  Shrieks and screams bellowed from this child's mouth. "No!  I don't have enough hot water!  Don't turn off the water!  Turn it back on!"  At this point, no amount of reasoning with him was working.  He didn't care that I needed hot water.  His emotions had gone off the deep end (maybe I should mention this is what happens to a child with pediatric bipolar disorder). So I asked my husband to take over while I took a quick shower.  Ian thrashed and splashed until the entire bathroom floor was soaked.

But it didn't end there.  Dad and Ian tried to take a shower, but the water was cold, and that made Ian really mad.  More battles continued over breakfast when Dad must have accidentally crushed Ian's paper. Before I knew it, I had my little boy climbing under my desk with tears rolling down his cheeks begging me not to send him to school.  This morning was calling for drastic measures.  In five minutes the bus was coming, and there was no way I was going to transition my son from tears to smiles in that short of time. Ever have mornings, afternoons, or evenings like this?  And maybe you wish you could start all over and turn this bad moment into a good moment?

Well, the good news is you can, and that is exactly what I did with my son.  There are three steps to make this transition:

Step 1:  Take a Time Out

Now, this is not a time out for punishment.  This is a time out you take together to regroup, slow down, and process exactly what is going on.  If it is just you having the bad day, then take the time out yourself. During this time Ian and I talked about what he was feeling.  Why didn't he want to go to school?  What was he afraid of?  I allowed him to process the yucky feelings he was having from the morning.  We sat for a few minutes, and he talked about what he really wanted was to just stay home and have fun with me. The time out period enables everyone to calm down and get control of their emotions.

Step 2:  Decide to Make a Mental Shift

If you are going to turn around a bad morning (afternoon, evening) into a good one, you must make a mental shift.  This shift says you're ready to put the bad behind you, and welcome something new and good.  At this moment, you are at a crossroads, and you have two different paths you can go down.  You can continue down the path you were going down and experience more of the same, or you can choose to go down a new path and experience something different.  And this is exactly how I explained it to Ian yesterday morning.  I told him I was giving him an opportunity to start his day all over.  We would erase everything that happened in the morning, and start fresh.  At first, he resisted.  He wasn't ready to let go of the past.  But as I painted a picture of what the new path could look like, the new path became more appealing than the old one.  He made the mental shift that was necessary to turn his day around.

Step 3:  Do Something Different to Symbolize a Fresh Start

Make a 90 degree turn and break the routine.  Do something different than you normally would to symbolize a fresh start to the morning (afternoon or evening).  This act marks the beginning of the new, and the ending of the old.  Perhaps you put on a song that lifts your spirits.  Maybe you read a story together.  Maybe you stop for an ice cold latte, or take a walk around the block.  Instead of Ian getting on the bus like he normally would, I took Ian to school.  But first we stopped at Dunkin Donuts and shared some smiles and a donut together.  Ian got out of the car at school with a smile, and the rest of his day at school was perfect!

Sometimes we get off on the wrong foot, but remember, we don't have to stay there.

Survival and Beyond for the Mom with a Special Needs Child

 

 

You didn't ask for a special needs child.  But you received a special needs child.  Nothing you did caused your child to have special needs.  But other people might have you believing otherwise.  You love your special needs child more than anything in the world.  But that doesn't mean life with your special needs child isn't difficult.  Whether your child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, some form of cancer, autism, Asperger's syndrome, pediatric bipolar disorder, Tourette's Syndrome, hystiocytosis, or some other rare or not so rare illness or disorder, your life changed the day you found out your child was different. How do I know? Because I have two children with special needs.

I have been navigating the special needs waters for 19 years now.  Not the exact waters you have been riding, but my own set of waves.  I wanted to share some things I have learned on my journey.

I've learned that "normal" is not the "norm" in my house.  

You know that bell curve the doctors show you so you understand where the "norm" is.  This is where normal children are.  This is how normal children behave.  This is when normal children learn to "x".  In many ways, my children were normal.  If you looked at them, they looked pretty normal.  In many things, they were above normal, especially in the area of intelligence.  But in many areas, they did not fall within the "norm".  They were more - more emotional, more sensitive, more impulsive, more distracted, more stubborn, more fearful, more angry, just more.  When you have a special needs child, you learn to give up on having "normal" children.  The "normal" everyday parenting books don't work for your children.  You stop beating your head against the wall, and instead embrace a new kind of "normal".  After all, you have no other choice.

No matter how hard you try, you are still bothered by other people's judgments.

Intellectually you understand that people will judge because they don't understand.  People judge because they are human and they know no different.  But it's your child they are judging, and it's you and your parenting they are judging.  The stares.  The comments.  The innocent remarks that sting.  The freely given advice that is meant to help, but doesn't help at all.  Some days are easier, and other days you just not in the mood.  I don't remember where I heard this advice, but I thought it was good.  If every mother who had a special needs child carried a card with her that described her child's illness or disorder, she could hand it out to every person who gave that look or made a comment.  For instance, let's say your child has a melt down in the middle of the store, kicking and screaming, because you told her she couldn't have a toy.  You would simply hand a card to the person who told you to control your child that says "Although it appears that my child is a spoiled brat, what you are seeing right now is a symptom of pediatric bipolar disorder. These children experience extreme mood swings, ranging from rages to suicidal sadness.  For more information on pediatric bipolar disorder, please visit www.bpkids.org."  Maybe then we could educate more people and build a more compassionate world.

A team of people you can trust is so incredibly important.

When you have a special needs child, it can feel so incredibly lonely.  Most moms, unless they have a special needs child, can't truly understand what it's like to raise a child with special needs.  It's not that they don't have compassion, but sometimes I think it is painful for a mom of a special needs child to be around "normal" moms and "normal" kids.  I know I've always worried that moms don't want to subject their children to my children that aren't always "normal", and I am sensitive to that.  At the same time, your children need friends and so do you, so whether you find other special needs families or very compassionate and understanding families, it's helpful to have some close friends to hang out with.  In addition, you need professionals you can rely on and trust to operate in the best interest of your son or daughter.  From the time of my older son's diagnosis to my younger son's most recent diagnosis, I am fortunate to have teachers and doctors that I have been able to trust and work with.  Some have been better than others, and I have also worked with the school to hand select the teachers that would work best with my children.  Unfortunately, there will be people you have to guard yourself against.  Sadly, this can sometimes be family and friends.  You may have to find new doctors, or new schools.  Trust your intuition when it comes to your child's needs.

Put Your Oxygen Mask on First

When I look back at the last 19 years as a mother, 5 of them spent as a single mother, I can honestly say what kept me so strong was my commitment to practicing extreme self-care.  When you have special needs children, it can be so incredibly easy to pour so much energy into our child's needs and put our needs at the bottom.  Most of the time what happens is there is no time left over for mom.  But we can't possibly care for other people if we don't care for ourselves.  There will be nothing for us to give from.  Find creative ways to steal time for yourself.  Share the load of caring for your family with other people.  You can find individuals that are in doctorate programs studying in the area of your child's special need to help you - they get experience, and you feel safe leaving your child.

But What About Me?

Me may be your husband, or me may be another one of your children that does not have special needs.  It is true that a special needs child takes up a lot of time and energy.  They demand a lot of attention.  But we can't neglect the rest of our family members.  Make time to spend time one on one with your other children doing special things with each of them.  Go out on date nights with your husband, and don't talk about the children.  This will not only be a special treat for them, but a special and much needed getaway for you as well.

Balancing Hope and Acceptance

Here's the thing with special needs children.  Sometimes we can have hope and expect improvement. Sometimes if you're super lucky and blessed, you receive the gift of complete recovery.  More often than not, there is some improvement, and even decline.  We get our hopes up, and then we feel discouraged. At some point, we come to a place of acceptance of what is.  Sometimes that place of acceptance is the unknown.  Sometimes it is the known, but the unlovely.  Sometimes acceptance is unfamiliarity, and sometimes it is steady and consistency.  I think there is always a small piece of us, as mothers, that hopes that our child could experience "normal", even though we know deep down, it's not possible.  Unless God stepped in, of course, and performed a miracle.  So we balance hope, because we love, and want the best for our child, with acceptance, because it gives us a temporary peace of mind.

To all the special needs children out there - sending you love and gratitude for your strength!

5 Insightful Things I've Learned about Parenting

While my lessons are invariably different than the parenting lessons you've received, I thought I would share five lessons that have become clear to me over the years.

 (My almost 19 year old son Kai - still a big kid!)

You will never be finished learning about parenting.  

I have been a parent for almost 19 years now, and can you believe, I am still learning.  I've read oodles and oodles of parenting books, and I'm still learning.  Just like relationships, parenting is complex because we're dealing with human beings.  If we had human beings all figured out, we wouldn't have any scientists still studying human behavior.  Just when we think we have this whole parenting thing figured out, along comes a new phase, a new situation, or a new child.  And we are learning something new to help us and our children through life.  But that is one of the things I love about parenting - it's never boring.  I am a lover of learning, and there is always something to keep me growing and on top of my game.

There is no such thing as equality in parenting.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot treat your children totally equal.  You can't spend an equal amount of time with each child, so don't let the guilt that you aren't get you down.  The other day my teenager says to me "I saw how much money you guys spent on Ian's summer activities.  Why don't you ever spend money on me like that?"  I swallowed my hysterical laugh, but I did remind him that I am paying over $6000 per year for him to go to college.  I did not mention that I spent money on him for summer activities too.  It can be easy to fall into this trap of thinking we have to do everything equal with our kids, but that is impossible.  Kids have different needs for attention.  They have different interests that require different amounts of time.  Children have different personalities and some require more training and teaching, while others learn the first time.  Different ages receive different privileges and consequences.  So don't focus on equality.  Instead, concentrate on treating your children fairly.

You are not to blame for everything that happens with your child.

When a child acts out, it is so easy to point the finger at the parent.  If you yourself are not saying "I should have, I could have, I wish I would have", someone else is probably saying it.  You cannot live in the past, and you cannot predict the future.  You don't know without any amount of certainty if anything in your life or with your child would be any different if you had made different choices.  My younger son was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  My husband is convinced that if I had allowed him to spank when he was younger, this wouldn't have happened.  Depression and anxiety in a child is way too complicated to blame it on one person.  And besides, what good does that do anyway?  Each and every child is different, and they interact and respond to the world in their own way.  Much of what they experience, in my opinion, is part of the plan.  As a good friend said to me, "my niece is autistic and my grandfather is left-handed.  It was not caused by their parents - it is just the cards they were dealt in life."

You can trust your intuition.

If you really pay attention to your children, and truly tap into one of your greatest resources, you will always know intuitively what is best for your child.  People can give you advice, and you can read books, but the real answers lie within you.  And God is your source for the greatest parenting wisdom there ever was.  He will give you any answers you don't have, if you listen to him long enough.  I remember one day when my son Ian was 2.  My older son was trying on some new clothes, and all of a sudden we heard Ian start crying.  He had slipped on some magazines and fallen.  As I held him and observed him, I knew he was really hurt.  My husband was sure that he was okay, but my intuition was strong that evening.  I didn't know exactly what was wrong, but I knew it was something far more serious that my husband thought.  I'm glad I trusted my intuition and took him to the hospital.  Ian had snapped his femur bone in half and was in a body cast for the next six weeks.

Parenting is hard! (Gosh darnit!)

I don't care how hard someone tries to prepare you, or how much you love your children, parenting is hard! I suppose it could be easier for some parents, but I know for me, it's been hard.  And I happen to believe there are a lot of moms who feel the same way, even though they may not talk about it.  So much has been blamed on moms that I believe moms are afraid to talk about the "real" challenges they have.  And that to me is sad because we need all the support we can get in raising our children.  There is no shame in seeking professional help.  There is no shame in struggling.  There is no shame in having a child that doesn't fit the norm, whatever that is.  You can admit that parenting is hard, and you don't have to compare yourself to the mom next door that appears to have everything together.  You can accept the mom that you are today, and your children can be who they are today.  We are all growing and learning, and we are all imperfect.  That's what makes motherhood perfect!

 (My 8 year old son Ian with his new puppy Chica)

Mompreneur or Mom - Which is Easier?

 

The short answer is neither.  But let me tell you why I am grateful for both.

Yesterday was a really crappy day for me as a mom and a mompreneur.  My day started with a falling out between my brand designer and me.  Words were said.  Attitudes were exchanged.  Feelings were hurt, and we eventually parted ways.  I was a big mess.  I was crying like a kid who dropped their ice cream cone.  I felt angry.  I felt hurt.  I felt defeated, and my energy was low.  To demonstrate my victim attitude, I even posted a message on Facebook (that I have since deleted) that said:

"My brand designer and I just parted ways.  I am crying, I am hurt, and I am worried about my brand for the future.  A big time designer who works with corporations can't be bothered with with a little solopreneur like myself.  Uugh."

And then my son came home from school.  I was glad to be doing something as simple as waiting for him at the bus stop.  But he had the same kind of day as me.  As he walked off the bus, he said to me in a sad voice "I got a gold note today."  He's been getting a lot of gold notes lately (and we have yet to figure out how to help him make better choices), and so I groaned.  Ian immediately apologized and told me what happened. He doesn't like music and so it is hard for him to not talk in class.  The evening, somehow, spun quickly out of control.  Perhaps Ian was feeding off my low energy, or maybe he was dealing with his own low energy, but he had a meltdown for about 30 minutes, crying over every little thing.  While he vegged in front of the TV, I called my friend and released my tears.  What the heck??!!  Are the two of us a total mess, or what?

So today, when I woke up, I was grateful for the morning I had planned.  I wasn't a mompreneur from 7 to noon.  I was a mom who took her son to Dunkin Donuts so he could pick out donuts for all of his classmates.  The simplicity of sprinkled donuts and a happy and proud 8 year old was everything I needed. On to school where I volunteered in the classroom for the next couple of hours.  It was frustrating, but refreshing to try and get five 2nd graders to concentrate long enough to practice their lines for their upcoming Johnny Appleseed play.  And the next two hours were spent in a room full of one of my favorite things - BOOKS!  I was helping out at the book fair, and it was a treat to browse through the colorful children's books and pick out a few special ones for my son and I to read together.

There are days I am glad when the front door shuts behind me because it means I get to talk with my clients, write content for an upcoming group course, sit behind my blog and write, or do whatever other mompreneurs do.  I welcome the escape into my work.  I long for the intellectual stimulation and the quiet of my home.  I cherish the adult relationships I have built over the years.

But today it was a gift to be a mom, and escape from being a mompreneur.  In reality, I am blessed.  I have the best of both worlds!  Being a mom and a mompreneur, and neither one is easy.

I'm Letting Go and Letting God

Over the past couple of days, there has been a lot of "stuff" stirring around inside of me.  And tonight at church, it all came together for me.  I'm not even sure how to say this, but sometimes it gets hard being a coach/teacher other moms rely on for direction.  And perhaps I've made it harder than it needs to be.  For years, I have believed that I have to have it all together if I am going to coach other moms.  I must practice what I preach all the time.

But really, I am just a regular mom with phenomenal coach training and 18 years of experience as a mom.  I'm regular in that I share the same struggles as any other mom out there.  I have a kid that acts out sometimes, and a teenager that I occasionally argue with.  I just got into an argument with my husband today, as a matter of fact, because sometimes he irritates me.  I've lived a very hard life, and have been through a lot of painful experiences in my life.  Most of them I have healed from, but I have the scars to prove I've been to battle with life.

So if ever I appear that my life is all together, please don't believe that.  Even though I coach other moms on how to live more satisfying lives, I learn from all my clients as well.  I was always afraid that if I didn't appear as if my life was perfect, who would want to hire me as a coach?  I'm so done with that ridiculous belief.  Yes, I try to stay positive.  Yes, I work hard at growing every day.  Yes, I've learned a lot in life that I apply today.  But I am not perfect, and neither is my family.  But I don't want to be perfect because...

I believe that God can use me just like I am.  Just like He can use you just like you are.  Some words spoken during our church lesson tonight struck a chord with me.  "Die daily.  Take up your cross daily."  Wow!  Every day, at the end of the day, I can let my imperfect self come before Christ, and receive His grace.  I can then turn every aspect of my life over to Him.  With open arms, I say "Here I am Lord.  Use me!"

So I tell you with all honesty.  Tell me your story.  I bet I experience it today, or have in the past.  Seven years ago I received a clear calling from God to become a coach, and here I am Lord.  Make my life an offering to moms just like me.

My First Drama Part at Church

A few weeks ago I joined the church drama team.  When our drama director asked who was available to do a drama called "The Offering", I told her I could do it.  Not wanting to throw me into acting without any experience, she originally made me an extra that didn't have any lines.  But the night of drama team practice, one woman was sick and I was asked to step in and take the part.  There is nothing like having to be the person who leads off the drama with a big monologue, especially my first time around.

When we rehearsed on stage before church, I completely drew a blank in the middle of my lines.  Not only did this happen once, but twice I forget my lines.  With lots of prayer and deep breathing before the service, I was able to get through my lines flawlessly.  This is a very funny drama, so be prepared to be entertained.  Enjoy!

What I Learned from Supernanny About Bedtime Battles

Believe it or not, last night was the first night I have ever watched Supernanny.  I've heard so many mothers talk about the show, and I happened to catch a preview of the show that caught me by surprise.  So after watching one of my favorite shows, Shark Tank, I settled in to see what Supernanny was all about.  After watching her coach a mom and dad of a 5 year old girl, and a set of triplets to gain control of their children, I thought maybe I would give one of her techniques a try.  After all, her methods seemed simple enough.

For years, my husband and I have had issues with our 8 year old son at bedtime.  I think it all started after we took the pacifiers away from him when he was three.  His inability to self-soothe coupled with his nighttime fears started a vicious cycle we are still dealing with today.  We got into the habit, like any loving, well-intentioned parent of lying down with him until he fell asleep.  And when we started receiving a night time visitor, we were too tired to object to him crawling in bed with us.  Any of this sound familiar?  I can't tell you how many parents I've talked to that have this issue.

My older son had these same problems only there were two distinct differences.  He was never afraid of the dark, and he was a heavy sleeper.  Even though he loved crawling in bed with us, he eventually grew out of it.  I guess I was thinking my younger son was going to outgrow it too, but at eight years old, I'm starting to wonder.  So last night I decided to use Supernanny's bedtime battle technique.  I filled my husband in on what I learned so we were on the same page.

 

We started the bedtime routine a little late because it was a weekend.  At 9:30 PM, we put Ian in bed and told him "It is time to go to bed."  My husband left the room and crawled in bed.  When Ian got up from his bed, we told him again that it was time to go to bed, and my husband walked him back to his bed.  On the third time (did you think this was going to be easy?), we stopped all communication and walked him back to bed.  For two and a half hours, we listened to every excuse our son dished out and we said nothing in return. 

• I am scared.
• I can't fall asleep.
• This is hard.  Mommy, will you please help me?
• I wet my bed.
• Dad, will you please sleep in my room?
• I can't see you.
• No, don't turn off the light.
• I hear noises.

Because it can get extremely exhausting, my husband and I took turns simply walking him back to his bed.  Finally, at midnight, we stopped hearing from him.  Was it safe to relax?  I was on such high alert that I questioned if I would ever fall asleep.  But my husband lost no time and was soon snoring.

Then at 5:00 AM, the nighttime visitor arrived.  Uugh!!  My husband hopped up and walked him back to his bed, and the cycle started all over again.  By 7:00 AM, the excuse from my son became "I'm hungry."  So I got up and made him some breakfast.  I told him Mom and Dad are going back to sleep, and he is not to wake us up before 9:00 AM.  He said to me "And what if I do?"  My reply "You'll be in big trouble."  Much to my shock, he did not wake us up for two hours, but he was standing by our bed with smiles and plans for our day at 9:00 AM sharp.

Now I know this long standing pattern won't change overnight, but I am wondering how long this is going to take.  How many nights in a row will my husband and I be walking our son back to bed before he gets the message?  How many times will we be in and out of the bed each night?  Or maybe I should focus on how will we feel when our son finally begins falling asleep on his own and sleeping through the night.

Please pray for us because even though I dedicate my life to coaching moms on the many struggles of motherhood, I'm a mom too, and I have many of the same struggles as you.

Releasing Mommy Overwhelm

I’ll never forget the time in my life when I was at the height of overwhelm.  I was a single mom of a six year old little boy, going through a divorce with his father.  I worked full time and went to school part-time, trying to earn my degree in Psychology.  As if that pressure wasn’t enough, I was putting my own internal pressure on myself to graduate with a 4.0 GPA, and be the perfect mom and employee.  I thought I was going to fall apart.  I was stressed out, angry and had no support in my life.

I had so many thoughts running through my head.  Have you ever had any of these thoughts?

• I can’t take this anymore.
• I wish I could get a break.
• Why do I have to handle everything?
•  I wish I had more support in my life.
• I wish I could just crawl under the covers and go to sleep.
• I just want some time for me to do what I want to do.

Most moms have.  But because I had to hold it together for my son, my job, and my education, I had to find a way to release stress.  Besides exercising, one of the things I would do is write in my journal.  I would pour out all my feelings on paper, shedding many tears as I wrote.  Through the process of writing, not only was I able to release negative emotions, but I was able to come to a place of peace and clarity.  I would walk away from my journal knowing that everything was going to be okay, and having the confidence that I could handle whatever life handed me.

Today, while I don’t experience near as much overwhelm or confusion, there are still times I do.  Would we really be mothers without some amount of stress, uncertainty or crushing feelings of guilt, anger or sadness?  Whenever I want to release the negative feelings that are dragging me down, I get out a piece of paper and write.  Sometimes I share my feelings on my blog, which is another place I write.  The result is always the same.  It’s like a heavy weight is lifted off my shoulders, and I return to a place of calm and inner confidence.

At the Momnificent! Mom Club, moms have shared their journal entries with me.  Some are writing to their children, to their deceased grandmother, or to clients that make them very angry.  They are discovering things about themselves through the process of journaling.  Some are expressing gratitude, frustration or joy.  No doubt all of them are experiencing the clarity, the release, and the peace that comes from journaling.

I hope you can join us as we all journal through the journey of motherhood.

My 2009 Significant Life Events and What They Taught Me

If we let the years pass by without reflecting on what we've experienced in life, and how those events have grown us, we are likely to miss significant life lessons.  For me, life is too short for that.  I don't want my life to be just one big blur of forgotten memories.  Because I empower women everyday to embrace personal growth, I, too, choose to live my life in that way.  Here is a recap of the 2009 significant events in my life and how they have made me a better person:

Rebranded my Company - Momnificent! was Born

For several years, I operated my business as True to You Life Coaching, and then began calling myself "The Mom Coach".  I was in a phase of figuring out who I was as a business owner, and a coach.  I felt like I was all over the place - just blending in with the rest of the fish in the sea of coaches.  My vision was much bigger than that - my mission much larger.  In March of this year, Momnificent! was born!  Momnificent! is my baby - a reflection of my vision, my values, and my core energy.  Birthing Momnificent! helped me step into my creative self.  It has helped me show up in this world in a much bigger way.  Receiving a federal trademark on Momnificent! was a confirmation that the dream belongs to me - ready to be shared with any mom who wants to live a magnificent life.

Launched my first Book - The Momnificent! Life

As I write this, tears come to my eyes.  Unfortunately, not tears of joy, but tears of sadness.  Launching a book in this economy was not easy.  As a matter of fact, it was horrible, and my first ever book, has not been very successful in terms of sales.  I think what I realized, however, in the launch of this book, is that I never gave myself enough credit for achieving such a significant accomplishment.  I allowed the sales of my book to define whether or not I was successful.  I was successful when I published my book - I was successful when I finished writing my book.  The world, and its response to me, or my book, does not define my success.  This is a big lesson for me, and I want to embrace this accomplishment as a huge milestone in my life.  I poured my heart and soul into this book.  I gave of myself, and I opened up my life and all that it has taught me to touch the lives of other moms.  That is a gift I now choose to embrace.

Decluttered my Entire Home

This summer project was all consuming for the entire family.  This was a goal I had for years, but kept putting it off because of the magnitude of the project.  Clutter is one of those things in my life that drives me insane.  It drains my energy - energy that I need and want to invest in other areas of my life.  This event was a sign of freedom for me - freedom from the crap that was weighing me down.  With each new room that I decluttered, I felt that much lighter.  But the culmination for me was the big garage sale I had at the end of the summer.  My mother and I prayed that God would send lots of needy families that could benefit from everything we were selling.  God answered our prayers.  It brought such joy to me to see how many families I touched with my "stuff".  With a very small investment, people walked away with smiles and nice belongings for their families.  And we received the gift of a decluttered home and two days of connecting with people in the community.

Sent my First Born Away to College

Not only did my first born graduate from high school, he left to go to college seven hours away from home.  It was a year of tears for me - tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of fear, and tears of grieving.  Although I am so incredibly proud of my son, it's still hard to watch him go out on his own.  It's painful to see him make some of the same mistakes I made as a teenager.  I wanted to make all those mistakes for him, so he didn't have to.  I am learning how to be a different kind of mom - a mom of a young man that is turning into an adult.  Even though I still have an eight year old to keep me young, I am beginning to realize I am getting older.  What does that mean to me?  I'm not sure yet.  But one thing is for sure - it's hard and exciting to watch my family grow older.

Reconnected with my Father at my Brother's Wedding

There is little more significant that the relationship you have with your mother and father.  I haven't had a relationship with my father for over 20 years, primarily because I got tired of being the only one making an effort to connect.  When I stopped trying, we stopped talking.  So when I saw my father at my brother's wedding, I realized the "little girl" in me was still craving that relationship with him.  That little girl in me wanted to know if my father loved me - if he cared whether or not I or my children were in his life.  When I saw him trying to connect with my kids, I knew deep down he cared.  So I made a big effort to connect with him on a summer vacation.  I treasured the time I spent with him.  My soul smiled when I saw him playing with his grandson.  When my father picked out a birthday gift for Ian, one that he knew Ian would love, that's when I knew he loved him and me, because that's what he did for me to show his love when I was a little girl.  So I will move forward in my relationship with my father, doing my best to get to know him, and allowing him to see the daughter he helped create 46 years ago.

Landed a Feature Story in Best You Magazine

When I saw the media inquiry for beautiful women over 40 who had taken on a new sport after the age of 40, I only responded to have fun.  I did not intend to hear back from the magazine - I knew my chances were slim.  So imagine my surprise when I was selected to be photographed and interviewed for this magazine.  For me, this magazine opportunity is way more than a picture in a magazine.  It is about embracing what I have worked so hard on for years - taking care of myself physically and emotionally.  Practicing Tae Kwon Do has helped me step into my power as a woman.  It is a representation of what's important to me - fitness, confidence, self-control and discipline, perseverance, indomitable spirit, focus, peace of mind, balance, and integrity.  So to be honored in a magazine for practicing what I value is huge.  It is a outward expression of the personal and internal gift I give myself.

Attended Ali Brown's SHINE Event

Well, I didn't learn what I thought I was going to learn at this business event.  I went there to learn how to grow my business - to educate myself on the latest business models and marketing strategies.  Guess what I learned?  I already know the majority of all this.  So why did I think I didn't?  Why don't I trust myself?  Why do I think other people are the experts?  What I learned at this event was life changing - I am my own worst enemy.  I need to stop shrinking out of sight, believing that other people are so much more capable that I am. I need to go easy on myself as I navigate my way through owning and growing a business.  I need to believe in myself, and stop letting my level of financial success define me.  2010 will be the year I grow even more confident with myself.  I will stretch myself, but I will be kind to myself.  I will be who I am, trusting that I will connect with those who love me for me.

This has been a hard post for me to write.  It's not always easy to be vulnerable, but I choose to boldly express who I am, and what I've learned because I believe I will help others find the courage to boldly express who they are.  Here's to a great 2009 with all its joyous and painful lessons!  I welcome the lessons I will learn and the significant events I will experience in 2010!

My College Student's First Visit Home

It was 2:00 in the morning, and I heard the garage door open.  Reminded me of old times.  Tiptoeing out of my bedroom, I walked half way down the stairs.  Peeking over the banister into the hallway, there he stood with a big grin on his face.  His first words to me were "I knew you would wake up."

I gave my college student a big hug.  I am very happy he is home.  He looks at me and you could tell things had changed.  He said "Your hair is getting long, and it's black!"  He walked around the house, looking at everything.  He opened the refrigerator, opened the food cabinet, just to make sure home was still home.

A lot has changed in the 3 months he has been gone.  There are two new cars in the garage, and there is new family room furniture.  But I think what has changed the most is that my son has grown up.  It brings tears to my eyes, but it's true.  I asked him, "How does it feel to be home?"  He said "Good but weird."  Life as Kai knows it has been college.  His new home is his dorm room.  He lives in Columbia, Missouri, not Aurora, Illinois.

I still think that there is magic in our childhood home though.  Even though some things have changed, I wanted Kai to experience the familiarity of home - those things that made home what it once was.  We spent the day cleaning the house, and decorating it for Christmas.  What he walked home to was comfort and beauty, love and family - the wonderful things that make home special.

Everyone is excited to see Kai.  His best friend is sleeping in our guest room right now - home from University of Illinois.  His girlfriend is ecstatic and will drink in the time she has with him for the next week.  Kai's other friends wait in line to spend some time with him.  Kai, for one week, will be reunited with the memories of his former life - life before college.

I know Kai will be leaving again soon so I want to cherish every moment I have with him.  I have to navigate my way through the transition Kai is going through.  This "weird" feeling he has means he is creating a life for himself as an adult.  For three months, he has had no supervision.  He has made all decisions on his own.  He has taken care of his own laundry, made sure he was fed, decided when he goes to bed, whether or not he does homework, and who he spends his time with.

I'm still his mom, and to me, he is still my first born son, whom I adore with all my heart.  I went out this morning to buy Dunkin Donuts for the family because I knew he would love it when he finally wakes up.  I know I have to share him with all of his friends, but I want to make sure Kai knows, when he goes back to college next weekend, that home will always be home.