The Case Against "The Perfect Mother"

This morning I spoke with a writer that is doing a piece about momtourages.  We started our conversation talking about the various people that make up a mom's support network, and inevitably found ourselves discussing the guilt that so many mothers experience and the unreasonable expectations that go with it.

And then I ran into an article in which U.S. writer Ayelet Waldman says she "felt it was time to branch out and take a stand against the current trend of perfecting parenting -- and the guilt that goes with it."  As a recovering perfectionist myself, I can tell you from experience that perfection is an illusion, and the stress perfectionism causes in a mother's life is simply not worth it.  While I understand moms want to do their best when raising their children, there is a difference between excellence and perfection.  I say we all adopt a new and healthier model, one that values excellence instead of perfection.

How to Recognize Perfectionism in Yourself or Your Children

1.  Perfectionists like to be in control, and are uncomfortable with spontaneity.
2.  Perfectionists may procrastinate, waiting for the ideal circumstances to begin a project.
3.  Perfectionists have a high need for order, and feel stressed when things are out of order.
4.  Perfectionists have high expectations of themselves and others, and often direct criticism towards themselves and others when those expectations are not met.
5.  Perfectionists are afraid of making mistakes.
6.  Perfectionists fear judgment from other people.
7.  Perfectionists take on more than they can handle because it's difficult for them to allow others to help.
8.  Perfectionists often get stuck in black and white thinking (perfection vs. failure, right way vs. wrong way, and all vs. nothing)
9.  Perfectionists are rarely satisfied with their best because their best is never good enough.
10. Perfectionists often avoid taking risks because they fear failure.

Ways to Begin Breaking the Chains of Perfectionism

1.  Examine the underlying beliefs that reinforce perfectionism.  (i.e. If I make mistakes, people will judge me)
2.  Challenge these beliefs by thinking of experiences that do not support your beliefs. (i.e. When was the last time life was not perfect, but you still had control?)
3.  Acknowledge your fears and act with courage despite these fears.
4.  Challenge yourself to be uncomfortable with doing things differently.  (i.e. Start a project even though the cirumstances aren't perfect or Ask for help knowing your helper will do things differently than you).
5.  Speak words of affirmation that support new and empowering beliefs. (Life is never going to be perfect and that is okay.  Mistakes are just opportunities for me to learn; they do not define me.)
6.  Practice setting reasonable expectations for yourself and other people.
7.  Affirm yourself often and avoid beating yourself up.
8.  Stay focused on what is important to you and let go of worry about what other people think.
9.  Break projects into baby steps and give yourself permission to do a little bit at a time.
10. Plan a "spontaneous" day where nothing is planned and anything you choose to do or not do is okay.

Comments

[Everything Counts]

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