Momnificent! Q&A

My Child Melts Down When I Try to Take a Mommy Timeout

Q. First I want to say "thank you". Yesterday was a terrible mommy day for me. I think I hit an all time low in my confidence as a mom. I was always a very confident mom who spent a lot of time with my daughter. Of course, that was much easier when it was just her and I, and I was surrounded by family and friends (and babysitters, so I could be something other than just mom sometimes). Now I'm married and have one more sweet little girl. The challenge is in being a military family away from my family and friends and babysitters. When I found your site, I read and read and read...and I cried and cried and cried. I honestly don't think that I read anything that deep down I didn't know already, but I needed to hear it from someone else. I feel re-energized and a little less oerwhelmed after reading some of your blogs.

So, my question:
When my 5 year old daughter and I are not seeing eye to eye and I can feel that my emotions are starting to take over I try to take a mommy time out. It enrages her and she throws herself at me and acts like I'm abandoning her in her moment of need. She physically throws herself at me to stop me. I'm sure it's in my approach, but I've tried so many different ways. I've explained to her that when she feels frustrated and angry, sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and calm down (I tell her to find an adult she trusts to help her if it's too hard to calm down). So, I've explained that I too need to count to ten and calm down sometimes. But that doesn't seem to help at all. When my husband is around he is great at taking over and letting me take some time for myself. But he's gone half of the year. How can I make it OK to give myself the timeouts I need in those situations? It's even harder with an infant now too, I can't just leave her and I don't want to take her with me and invoke feelings of jealousy of my preschooler to my infant. Out of all of the transitions we have been through, my five year old has never acted jealous of the new baby. She has been nurturing, and when she does have negative energy she directs it at me. She definitely feels a sense of control when she sees me get emotional in those situations. I'm working on creating more time for me in my life, but I'm also a working mom and it's very difficult. I would love some ideas.

Thank you!
Heather 

A.  First of all Heather, I want to commend you for being so aware of what your needs are, and your willingness to respond to those needs.  I know it can't be easy being a military mommy with little to no support.  I was a single mom once, working full time and going to school part time, and I completely understand that need to take time for yourself.  When we are flying solo, it seems there is hardly ever a break - we are on 24/7.  But you are absolutely right to take a break when you feel your emotions starting to rise.

It's obvious your daughter is greatly affected when she knows you are upset with her, and I wonder if part of her anxiety could stem from you being her only caregiver right now.  With daddy gone, it might trigger a higher need to make sure her other parent is not going to leave.  Just something you may want to talk about with her - may be a factor, but may not be.

There are a couple of things I would try.  First, I would set up a calming space for you, and a calming space for her (her calming space could have a few of her favorite dolls or stuffed animals), both in the same room. Explain to her that when the two of you begin to get upset with one another that both of you will go to their respective calming spaces for a period of 5-10 minutes.  You can put on some soft music, but there should be no talking during this time.  Make it a positive experience for both of you.  Just close your eyes and relax.  After you've had your "calm time", give each other a hug and say I love you.  Try to suggest the calming space before the emotions escalate too much.

Secondly, I think it will be very important that you begin to take time away from your daughter (someplace in the house where you can be alone), but take this time when you and your daughter are getting along, and her needs for play and attention from you have been satisfied.  This will help her to see that it is normal for people to need time for themselves to relax and recharge.  You can even suggest she take some quiet time for herself to read, watch a TV program or play by herself.  Use this time for yourself to do something you like, or that refuels you.

I hope these suggestions help.  If the weather is nice, getting outside to take a family walk could also put everyone back in an emotionally centered space.

Feel free to let me know how things are going!

Lori Radun

Momnificent!

Cures for the Chronic Blues

Q. Hi Lori,

I feel down almost all of the time, and never truly feel connected to anyone.  I have been feeling like this for a very long time and don't know how to feel happy and connected.  I know these feelings are seeds planted from my upbringing, but I want to enjoy my life with my children and don't want to pass this lonely, negative energy onto my children.  They deserve more and I don't want to continue this cycle and pass it on to my children's family tree.  Can you please tell me how I help myself to feel better in a way that will last?

A.  First, I want to commend you for being brave enough to reach out for help, and for loving yourself and your children enough to break a family cycle of negativity.  You are so right.  So much of what we experience today in our lives is influenced by the beliefs and attitudes we were fed as children.  The good news is that everything we learn can be unlearned.

Awareness is the first step.  It's important to understand that everything we experience in life begins with our thoughts.  From our thoughts, we feel a particular emotion.  These thoughts and emotions are then sent through a filter to help you make sense of them.  This filter is the story you tell yourself or the beliefs you hang on to that so often were learned in childhood.  From these thoughts, beliefs and emotions you take some particular action, even if that is no action at all.

Example:

Thought:  I want to have more friends.

Emotion:  Fear or Anxiety

Story or Belief:  People can't be trusted.

Action:  Stay safe and don't reach out to people.

Although this process is simple, it's not always easy and requires commitment to making different choices in your life.  Here are some beginning steps you can take to begin turning your life around and creating the family life you desire:

1.  Do the work to heal your past and let go of all anger, fear, resentment, guilt and sadness.  An excellent way to process these feelings is through daily journaling.

2.  Identify the sources to your unhappiness and loneliness.  What are the thoughts and beliefs you currently have that keep you locked in these patterns?  Write them out on paper and rewrite your thoughts and beliefs to be supportive and empowering.

3.  Look into the power of affirmations.  Pick out 3 or 4 affirmations from my list of "52 Positive Affirmations for Moms" and repeat them everyday, several times per day.

4.  Practice gratitude on a daily basis.  Keep a gratitude journal with you at all times.  Look for things you are grateful for and write them down.  If you are spiritual at all, thank God for all the blessings He gives you everyday.

5.  Exercise as often as possible.  Exercise releases endorphins in your brain - the "feel good" hormones.

6.  Go out of your way to have fun every day.  Connect to what makes you happy and discover the power of laughter.

7.  Volunteer for a charity or organization that you believe in.  Giving to another human being makes us feel good.

You are on the right track with your level of awareness and your desire to change things.  Now all you have to do is begin taking steps on a regular basis to create the life you want.  You do have the power!