Momnificent! Q&A

The Benefits of Family Recreation

Q.  I'm doing a paper on the benefits of family recreation, and I was wondering if you had any information that could help me.

A.  As a matter of fact I do.  Here you go.

The Benefits of Family Recreation

Family recreation teaches life skills.  Children learn a number of life skills from hanging together as a family.  They learn how to solve problems and cooperate with one another.  Any time you have two or more people together, each with their own personalities and ideas, compromise must be practiced.  We have to learn to take turns and consider the needs of other people.  Children learn to cope with their frustration when they don’t get their way or they are learning something new.  And family recreation allows us to teach our children about having a positive attitude.  When we play a game together as a family, we don’t allow our children to be poor sports.  We use the opportunity to teach them how to lose gracefully and congratulate the winners.  We show them that playing a game is not always about winning and losing, but more about having fun.

Family recreation builds positive character.  When we spend time together as a family, children learn a number of positive character traits.  They learn to respect everyone in the family.  If you’re playing a game together, they are learning to be honest.  Cheating is not allowed.  Children have the opportunity to develop their creativity especially during imaginative play.  And they learn to be flexible because everyone is different.  When Donna decided to start a family night in her family, she gave each member of the family an opportunity to pick a fun family activity.  Mom, Dad and the two children took turns choosing something fun to do.  When it wasn’t your turn, you were not allowed to complain about the activity because they were trying to teach fairness.

Family recreation promotes physical, emotional, mental and social development.  We all need recreation in our lives.  Active activities exercise our bodies.  Games that require us to think or activities that encourage learning promote healthy mental development.  Spending time together as a family and interacting in relationship with one another develops our children socially.  Emotionally, we receive love, companionship and the release of stressful feelings when we engage in recreational activities.

Family recreation strengthens family bonds.  Spending time together builds intimacy in our lives.  For children to feel loved, we need to spend quality time with them.  This helps them feel valued and worthy of attention.  The more time we spend together, the more we get to know one another.  This helps us feel closer as a family.  When we play together, we laugh and enjoy life together.  These emotional feelings strengthen our family bonds.

Family recreation relieves stress.  We all know adults need to release stress, but so do children.  Believe it or not, children are stressed by school work, peer relationships and other normal childhood stressors.  Playing and engaging in relaxing activities is a great way to blow off steam.  Run around and play hide and seek, plunge into cool water at your local pool, or play a silly game of charades.  Laugh and have fun.

Family recreation builds family memories.  What are some of the best memories you have from your childhood?  When I divorced by older son’s father, my son lost some of his favorite memories with his dad.  He and his dad used to play basketball on a little basketball hoop in the house.  They would run around in a little small area of his bedroom, acting crazy and shooting baskets.  My ex-husband instilled some great memories with his son by engaging in family recreation with him.  Fun times always stick in a person’s mind so enjoy life with your children.

 

My Teenage Daughter is Great, but She Cusses and Slams Doors in the Morning

Q.  What I would like to ask is about my daughter who just turned 17. She is a great, sweet person, smart with straight A's this semester, beautiful and in great shape, helpful, great with children, but the one problem she seems to have is she has so much energy and when combined with her temper, well her emotions sometimes run away with her and the most recurring problem is in the morning when her Mother tries to wake her for school, sometimes she will cuss and scream and slam doors. I've listened to it for years and have talked and talked to no avail. I have no patience for it any more and feel hopeless about it. Any advice?

A. Your daughter is 17 years old, and your wife should not have to be waking her for school.  Your daughter should have an alarm clock that wakes her for school, and should be relying on that to get up.  If she doesn't get up on her own, she should be suffering the consequences of that behavior.  There will be consequences from the school, and those may ultimately trickle down to consequences at home.

For instance, if she misses the bus and needs a ride, then she gets charged a cab fee by mom or dad (you decide how much that is).  Or if she gets herself to school, but the truancy's eventually start affecting her grades, then you may have to take away privileges if she is not maintaining the grades you expect her to maintain (whatever those expectations are).

If there is a rule in your house that your kids are not allowed to cuss or slam doors, then you better start enforcing that rule.  When things are calm, sit down with your daughter and tell her.  "The rule in our house is no cussing and no slamming doors (but make sure you are following the same rules)"  The next time it happens, you will lose your privileges.  Then take away what's important to her (her cell phone, the car privileges, going out with friends, etc.), until she can show respect when she is angry.

That's my teenage advice. :0)

Help! I Feel Like a Failure as a Mom!

Q.  Dear Lori, I try the best I can to raise the perfect boys, I just feel like a failure most of the time.  I lose my temper and then threaten them with time out, then the behavior continues, and I eventually put them in time out, but they laugh and never take it seriously.  Sometimes it even resorts to a smack on the bottom and then there is tears and drama.  I feel awful and the pattern repeats all the time.  I know I need to be consistent, but it gets exhausting and sometimes I feel like I just don't want to be a mom anymore because I feel like I am doing the worst job ever.  Please help.

A.  First of all, I want to commend you for reaching out and seeking help.  A lot of moms go through this same cycle but feel ashamed to ask for help.  The fact that you are asking for help shows your willingness to make changes.  Secondly, let's shatter a core belief that is only hurting you and causing more stress than you need.  You cannot raise perfect boys, and you cannot be a perfect mom.  It is impossible for you and every other mom.  Mistakes will be a part of your life, and your boys' life from now until the day you die. It's how we learn about ourselves and life in general.  You can use your mistakes to know you want to make changes and grow, but never use them to punish yourself or others.

That being said, let's talk about how you can guide and teach your boys the behavior that you are wanting from them.  First, you need to set up some simple house rules.  In our house, we have three rules that basically covers just about everything...1.  Be Safe  2.  Be Respectful  3.  Be Responsible

Each time one of your sons breaks one of these rules, you look at him and calmly say "The rule is to be respectful.  Do you want to be respectful or do you need to take a break? (timeout)"  Your son needs to make a choice at that time.  If he chooses to be respectful, he needs to follow through with his actions.  If he 30 seconds or 1 minute later he is repeating the same behavior, you say to him "The rule is to be respectful, it is time for break."  He must take a break in the same spot every time (1 minute for every year of age), and break starts when he is quiet.  If he talks, yells, hits, kicks or gets out of time, add 1 minute to the timer.  If your son gets out of time out, do not look at your son, simply point to the break spot and calmly say "It's time for break".   After break, take a couple of minutes to process the break with your son by asking him these questions:

Why did you go to break?

What rule did you break?

How do you think other people felt?

What could you do differently next time?

How can you fix the problem now?

When break is over, resume normal play as if nothing ever happened.  Do not use any other form of discipline.  The most important thing using this technique is to be unemotional, follow through immediately once the rule is broken, be consistent by doing this every time a rule is broken, and to try this technique at least 30 days before you will see any changes in behavior.

Give this a try, and leave me a comment on this blog or email me and let me know how it is going after a week or so.

Good luck!  I know you can do it!

My Child Melts Down When I Try to Take a Mommy Timeout

Q. First I want to say "thank you". Yesterday was a terrible mommy day for me. I think I hit an all time low in my confidence as a mom. I was always a very confident mom who spent a lot of time with my daughter. Of course, that was much easier when it was just her and I, and I was surrounded by family and friends (and babysitters, so I could be something other than just mom sometimes). Now I'm married and have one more sweet little girl. The challenge is in being a military family away from my family and friends and babysitters. When I found your site, I read and read and read...and I cried and cried and cried. I honestly don't think that I read anything that deep down I didn't know already, but I needed to hear it from someone else. I feel re-energized and a little less oerwhelmed after reading some of your blogs.

So, my question:
When my 5 year old daughter and I are not seeing eye to eye and I can feel that my emotions are starting to take over I try to take a mommy time out. It enrages her and she throws herself at me and acts like I'm abandoning her in her moment of need. She physically throws herself at me to stop me. I'm sure it's in my approach, but I've tried so many different ways. I've explained to her that when she feels frustrated and angry, sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and calm down (I tell her to find an adult she trusts to help her if it's too hard to calm down). So, I've explained that I too need to count to ten and calm down sometimes. But that doesn't seem to help at all. When my husband is around he is great at taking over and letting me take some time for myself. But he's gone half of the year. How can I make it OK to give myself the timeouts I need in those situations? It's even harder with an infant now too, I can't just leave her and I don't want to take her with me and invoke feelings of jealousy of my preschooler to my infant. Out of all of the transitions we have been through, my five year old has never acted jealous of the new baby. She has been nurturing, and when she does have negative energy she directs it at me. She definitely feels a sense of control when she sees me get emotional in those situations. I'm working on creating more time for me in my life, but I'm also a working mom and it's very difficult. I would love some ideas.

Thank you!
Heather 

A.  First of all Heather, I want to commend you for being so aware of what your needs are, and your willingness to respond to those needs.  I know it can't be easy being a military mommy with little to no support.  I was a single mom once, working full time and going to school part time, and I completely understand that need to take time for yourself.  When we are flying solo, it seems there is hardly ever a break - we are on 24/7.  But you are absolutely right to take a break when you feel your emotions starting to rise.

It's obvious your daughter is greatly affected when she knows you are upset with her, and I wonder if part of her anxiety could stem from you being her only caregiver right now.  With daddy gone, it might trigger a higher need to make sure her other parent is not going to leave.  Just something you may want to talk about with her - may be a factor, but may not be.

There are a couple of things I would try.  First, I would set up a calming space for you, and a calming space for her (her calming space could have a few of her favorite dolls or stuffed animals), both in the same room. Explain to her that when the two of you begin to get upset with one another that both of you will go to their respective calming spaces for a period of 5-10 minutes.  You can put on some soft music, but there should be no talking during this time.  Make it a positive experience for both of you.  Just close your eyes and relax.  After you've had your "calm time", give each other a hug and say I love you.  Try to suggest the calming space before the emotions escalate too much.

Secondly, I think it will be very important that you begin to take time away from your daughter (someplace in the house where you can be alone), but take this time when you and your daughter are getting along, and her needs for play and attention from you have been satisfied.  This will help her to see that it is normal for people to need time for themselves to relax and recharge.  You can even suggest she take some quiet time for herself to read, watch a TV program or play by herself.  Use this time for yourself to do something you like, or that refuels you.

I hope these suggestions help.  If the weather is nice, getting outside to take a family walk could also put everyone back in an emotionally centered space.

Feel free to let me know how things are going!

Lori Radun

Momnificent!

My 9 Year Old Wants to Know How Sperm Makes a Baby

Question: 

My nine year old comes to me with her health encyclopedia pointing to sperm, and asks " Now mom, exactly how does this form a baby"?  I wasn't prepared and told her we would talk about it tonight. Any advice for mom and a 9 year old daughter? Lydia

Answer:

Dear Lydia,

I know this kind of question seems kind of scary at first because you're probably wondering how much to tell her.  It's also a sign that she is growing up, and you definitely want to be the one to talk with her about the birds and the bees.  The first thing I can advise is to relax.  It's good that your daughter is exploring and feels comfortable coming to you for answers.  If it were my daughter, I would simply say:

"The sperm that you see in this picture comes from a daddy, and a mommy has an egg.  Because mommies and daddies love each other, when they make love, a daddy's sperm is transferred to the mommy.  Sometimes that sperm swims and meets the egg.  When that happens, a baby is made."

That may be enough to satisfy her interest.  But she might also have more questions.  Like how does the sperm get transferred to the mommy?  Don't be afraid to tell her the truth.  Just explain the organic differences between men and women and the very basics of sex, always stressing that sex is reserved for mommies and daddies that love each other.  She may squeal, giggle, or even say "that's gross".  That's all normal.  If the conversation goes much deeper than you are willing to go for her age, just tell her you can talk about that in more detail when she gets a little older.

Hope this helps! 

Mommy, Daddy Doesn't Love Me

Q.  My daughter is 4 years old and her dad (my husband) does not play with her like most daddies do and spend quality time with her.  She is starting to notice and she tells me "Mommy, Daddy doesn't love me."  It breaks my heart and it makes me have a bad attitude towards him.  When I try to talk to him about it he just says well that is crazy.  I tell him she is 4 years old and that is the way you are making her feel.  His response is "Well, I feel like some people don't love me either."  I don't know what to do anymore.  My child and her happiness is more important and this is starting to cause problems and I can't talk with him about it.  I don't want my daughter to see that it is bothering me because I don't want her to think anymore than she already does about him.  She needs a strong male figure in her life.  I think that is important, don't you?

A.  Dear April,

One of the best books on the market for addressing this issue is "The Five Love Languages of Children".  Basically, the five different love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. by Gary Chapman.  The original book by Gary Chapman was The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate". 

It sounds like your daughter's love language is quality time.  Each and every one of us has a different love language - the way in which we give and receive love.  For your daughter, she feels love when someone spends time with her (quality time).  When that particular love language is missing, she feels unloved.  It also sounds like, at least with some people, your husband is not receiving love in the language he most understands.

My first question to you would be "What do you think your husband's love language is?"  In other words, how does he normally express his love?  Does he say "I love you", or does he do something around the house?  Would he bring home a little gift or does he prefer to hug or kiss?  Helping your husband to understand the concept of love languages may be a great place to start if he is willing to learn.  I know a lot of men don't enjoy reading books, so ask him if he would be interested in listening to CDs in the car on the five love languages.

How does your husband want to receive love?  Maybe his love tank is running on empty right now.  Depending on his love language, he may not know how to express love using quality time.  He also may not know how to play with a little girl, since he's never been a girl before.  He may need help from you to learn that language.  Try to get your husband involved in a little family play time.  Invite him to play a game with you and your daughter, watch a movie together, or do something he might enjoy as a family.

Lastly, begin to educate your daughter about the different ways that people express love.  Help her understand that everyone shows love in different ways.  Until Daddy becomes better at playing or spending time with her, help her see the other ways that Daddy expresses his love.  For instance, you might tell her that Daddy works hard all day so that we have food to eat and a nice home to live in.  That's one of the ways he shows he loves us.  Look for different things he does to express his love.

When talking to your husband, stay upbeat and positive.  Try not to judge him for his behavior, but accept that he is different than you.  Ask him how you can love him better, and how you can work together to help your daughter feel loved.

Good Luck!

Coach Lori

Help, I Need More Patience

Dear Lori,

How can I have more patience with my two little girls (Ages 3 and 5), be kinder and gentler and enjoy being a mommy more?  These days, no matter how hard I try, I am so short-tempered and I want to enjoy this precious time.  I need help!

Dear Terri,

Being a mommy to two little children is rarely easy, but you are so right.  It is a precious time as we watch them grow and learn so many new things.

It is hard for me to know exactly what is causing stress for you because you didn't share those details.  However, I am going to try and assume some things based on my experience working with moms.

Young children, especially under the age of 5, can be tiring.  They are full of energy and committed to learning about their world by testing the boundaries on a continual basis.  This, in and of itself, can wear down even the most patient mom.  It is extremely important during this time that we, as moms, are consistent with discipline so children learn what the boundaries are.  If we can remember that our child's behavior is not intended to irritate us, but has a real purpose, it can help us be more patient with her.  More often than not, there is a real physical or emotional need that causes misbehavior in children.  By practicing proactive parenting, we can work to understand what is at the root of our child's behavior.  When we can uncover the unmet need, we can develop solutions to problems rather than reacting to them.  Understanding our children on a deeper level helps us be more patient with them.

Secondly, if you are like many moms, you may not be getting enough time for yourself to refuel.  Raising young children takes a lot of energy, and when we run out of positive energy to give, we feel depleted and irritable.  Moms of young children often lose themselves to motherhood.  How often are you taking time for yourself to do the things you loved to do before you became a mother?  Do you remember what those things were?  When was the last time you went on a date or shared some fun times with a girlfriend, without the girls?  It's so important to remember that while being a mommy is a big part of who you are, it is certainly not all of who you are.  By taking time out (on a regular basis) to take care of yourself in ways that make you feel good and fill up your energy tank, you will be more emotionally available to your girls.  When you feel happy, you will naturally be kinder and gentler with your children.  Likewise, when you take time out to enjoy life, you will enjoy being a mommy too.

Again, I am speculating about what exactly is going on in your life, so if I have completely missed the mark, please don't hesitate to give me more information and ask more questions.

Coach Lori

When Should I Tell My Child He/She is Adopted?

Q.  I have a 4 year old daughter and her father has nothing to do with her and I have not spoke to him since I was 3 months pregnant with her.

I am now married and my daughter only knows him.  She never remembers not being without him.  She even calls him daddy.  He is going to adopt her as soon as we have the money.  When and what do I tell her about it all?  I don’t want her to be mad at us.

Could you please help me with this or give me some advice?

A.  When I first read this question, I will be honest.  I said to myself, "Oh, this is tough. I'm not an expert at adoption."  But my gut instinct was to advise that you should talk to your daughter soon.  I am a firm believer in keeping communication open and honest, but age appropriate with our children.

For instance, there are books available to talk with your children about sex that are geared towards various age levels, starting in the preschool years.  While the talk we have with our children about sex when they are 4 will be nothing like the talk we have when they are 14, it's still okay to talk about it.

I imagined what I would want from my parents if I were adopted, and I know I would not want my parents to surprise me with this information later in life.  I think I would feel betrayed.  The word adoption may be hard for your daughter to understand right now, but you can certainly explain the difference between a biological daddy and a daddy God has chosen for her.  Family does not have to be blood related.  We can even have friends that are like family.  Family is about loving each other.  If she were to ask, I would also explain that her biological daddy loves her, but just doesn't know how to be a daddy right now.  Although you will have to initiate the beginning conversation, I think its okay to let your daughter lead the discussion.  Trust that she will ask the questions she needs to.  Give her honest and simple answers.  When she's done talking about it, then let it go and let life go on as usual.  When the adoption becomes legal and final, celebrate!  It's a happy time.  God has blessed her with a daddy that wants to love her and raise her.  I've even heard of families that celebrate their Adoption Day every year, but that's completely up to you and your husband.

As far as your concerns about your daughter being mad at you, I think remaining open and honest with her will do much for establishing that trust and communicating your love.  Remember, you have done nothing wrong.  If your daughter does feel anger later in life, it will more than likely have to do with her anger towards her biological father.  You will be able to help her work through these feelings if they come up later.  Just support her as she explores and resolves this part of her life.

For more information from a real adoption expert, you can read the following post:

Exploring Adoption

From Superstar Athlete to Team Player

Dear Lori,

My 11 year old son is a darling young man, until he plays a sport.  Then he becomes so darn intense.  He has to win, he has to be the best, and he does not always see other team mates accomplishments.  If they win a game he will say "did you see my homerun", and not necessarily make note of his other team mates home runs.

I want him to be more of a team player and not focus so much on his successes but the successes of the team as a whole.

Dear Pam,

I can certainly understand why it is important to you to develop a team attitude in your son, especially in the game of baseball or other team sports.  It takes a team working together to be a good team, whether it be in sports or life.

First, it can be helpful to acknowledge that your son's competitiveness is not necessarily a bad thing if it's channeled properly.  Some human beings, especially boys, tend to have a more competitive nature than others.  And in sports, a competitive nature is good.  It's what drives an individual to excel and work hard. 

When your son points out his accomplishments, he is seeking attention and accolades.  It is important to acknowledge the contributions your son makes to the team, however it is equally important that he understands that in a team sport, he cannot win the game by himself.  I would start by talking to your son about not only his accomplishments, but other team members accomplishments, and how all of them put together contributed to the team win/loss. 

Secondly, introducing the concept of leadership would be great for your son at this point.  As a talented athlete, he has the ability to be a leader on his team.  A leader, however, is not necessarily a superstar but someone that helps pull the team together with encouragement and motivation.  If your son is talented, his teammates will respect that, but they won't respect someone that doesn't give credit to other players.  He is in a position to not only be respected for his talent, but also his leadership.  Work at selling him on this concept.

As a mom of a varsity athlete, I can tell you that varsity team captains are not only good athletes, but young men that encourage other players to be their best.  They are confident, but they help lift other players up when they are discouraged.  They congratulate everyone on their individual efforts because they know it takes the whole team integrating their individual talents to be a good team.

You can also explain to your son that if he wants to play high school sports that coaches are looking for team players.  Many coaches teach the importance of teamwork, but we can still do what we can to shape the characters of our children.  Watching movies that involve team sports can be a great way to talk about the importance of teamwork.  One movie in particular that teaches this concept really well is Drumline.  Although it is not about sports (it is about a college marching band), the moral of the story is exactly what you are wanting to teach your child.

Wishing you the best.  I know you will do a great job shaping your son into a great leader on the field and off.

Coach Lori