Momnificent! Q&A

From Superstar Athlete to Team Player

Dear Lori,

My 11 year old son is a darling young man, until he plays a sport.  Then he becomes so darn intense.  He has to win, he has to be the best, and he does not always see other team mates accomplishments.  If they win a game he will say "did you see my homerun", and not necessarily make note of his other team mates home runs.

I want him to be more of a team player and not focus so much on his successes but the successes of the team as a whole.

Dear Pam,

I can certainly understand why it is important to you to develop a team attitude in your son, especially in the game of baseball or other team sports.  It takes a team working together to be a good team, whether it be in sports or life.

First, it can be helpful to acknowledge that your son's competitiveness is not necessarily a bad thing if it's channeled properly.  Some human beings, especially boys, tend to have a more competitive nature than others.  And in sports, a competitive nature is good.  It's what drives an individual to excel and work hard. 

When your son points out his accomplishments, he is seeking attention and accolades.  It is important to acknowledge the contributions your son makes to the team, however it is equally important that he understands that in a team sport, he cannot win the game by himself.  I would start by talking to your son about not only his accomplishments, but other team members accomplishments, and how all of them put together contributed to the team win/loss. 

Secondly, introducing the concept of leadership would be great for your son at this point.  As a talented athlete, he has the ability to be a leader on his team.  A leader, however, is not necessarily a superstar but someone that helps pull the team together with encouragement and motivation.  If your son is talented, his teammates will respect that, but they won't respect someone that doesn't give credit to other players.  He is in a position to not only be respected for his talent, but also his leadership.  Work at selling him on this concept.

As a mom of a varsity athlete, I can tell you that varsity team captains are not only good athletes, but young men that encourage other players to be their best.  They are confident, but they help lift other players up when they are discouraged.  They congratulate everyone on their individual efforts because they know it takes the whole team integrating their individual talents to be a good team.

You can also explain to your son that if he wants to play high school sports that coaches are looking for team players.  Many coaches teach the importance of teamwork, but we can still do what we can to shape the characters of our children.  Watching movies that involve team sports can be a great way to talk about the importance of teamwork.  One movie in particular that teaches this concept really well is Drumline.  Although it is not about sports (it is about a college marching band), the moral of the story is exactly what you are wanting to teach your child.

Wishing you the best.  I know you will do a great job shaping your son into a great leader on the field and off.

Coach Lori

How to Get a Gabber off the Phone

Dear Lori,

I have a "problem" that I would like your help with.  How do you deal with someone who doesn't listen to you when you say you have to go?  What I am referring to is a phone conversation, when you tell the person you have to go and then they go off on another tangent for 5+ minutes.  The person does this all the time so it has gotten to the point where I don't call her very often because I anticipate this happening and it frustrates me to no end.

I was talking to another friend about this and she has the same problem with two of her friends.  First of all, I don't understand why someone would be so disrespectful as to do this.  But that aside, what can we say or do to get rid of this problem?  We like the people and want to have a friendship with them, but this "problem" does put a strain on the relationship.  Do we set a time limit from the beginning and let the person know when the alarm goes off we are hanging up?  That sounds kinda rude on our part.  Any thoughts?

Dear Lisa,

I would agree that learning to set boundaries with our time is an essential skill for busy moms.  It sounds like you are trying to set a boundary but it is not being honored.  I can certainly understand why you would feel the person is being disrespectful, but it may be helpful to understand if someone is not good with setting boundaries in her own life, she probably isn't very good at honoring someone else's boundaries.

That aside, it is still important for you to set your boundaries and make sure you honor them.  I see a few different options you could try:

1.  If you know this person to be long winded, you could try and call her when you can feel good about setting aside 30 minutes (or whatever amount you determine) of undivided time.  Make sure you are in a position to feel relaxed about giving her your time.

2.  If you only have 15 minutes, you can announce that fact up front on the phone.  "I only have 15 minutes to talk, but I wanted to see how you're doing."  Keep your eye on the clock and when the 15 minutes is up, let her know you would love to chat more, but it will have to be at another time.

3.  If you set your boundary, and she ignores you, it is okay to interrupt her.  In the coaching world, we call that "bottom lining".  You simply stop your friend and say "You know I would love to hear this story, but now is not a good time.  I really have to go now.  When would be a good time for us to chat again?"

4.  If the "problem" continues to be a problem after you have tried these techniques, it is time to have a heart to heart conversation about how important it is to you that she respect your boundaries when you set them.

Again, people who don't practice setting good boundaries have a difficult time hearing them.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to help your friend set better boundaries for herself and to respect other people's.  It may feel uncomfortable for you and her in the beginning, but it will get easier the more you practice.

Good luck!

Coach Lori

My Adult Friend Tattles on my Child

Dear Lori,

I've heard of children tattling on each other, but what do you do when another mother finds it necessary to regularly tattle on your child?  It's necessary for me to have a good relationship with this person but I dread when our children play together because of the "report".  I consider myself a good disciplinarian of my child.  What can I do?

Dear Lorraine,

It can be exhausting dealing with a child who tattles all the time; add an adult to the mix, and I can certainly understand why you feel dread when your children play together.

While it can be helpful to remember that another person's behavior always belongs to him/her, it's also wise to explore within ourselves why we might be triggered by other people's behavior.  It seems clear that this woman's "tattling" is causing an emotional reaction inside of you, so ask yourself what her behavior is bringing up for you.  Are you worried she might be judging you?  Could you be telling yourself that she thinks you're not a good mom?  What thoughts are you thinking when she begins giving you her "report"?  These questions will give you clues to the deeper reasons her behavior bothers you.

Once you have a clear understanding of what is going on inside of you, it can be helpful to act as if you are an observer.  Being an observer allows you to stand back and be curious about her behavior.  What is it about this woman that might cause her to tattle?  What might be going on inside of her?  Does she have a need to control?  Is it possible she is trying to be helpful in her own way?  Trying to see things from her perspective will help you to depersonalize the situation.

If after you've done these two things and the behavior still bothers you, it's time to have an open and honest conversation.  There is no reason two adults cannot explore this issue and use this as an opportunity to learn more about each other.  Here are a couple of conversation openers you could use:

"When you tell me what my child is doing wrong, it makes me feel like..."

"I'm curious.  It seems like you have a need to point out my child's behavior when he/she does something wrong. Is there something I can do to help you feel more comfortable with my parenting skills?"

For more coaching on this topic, you can read the section on button pushing in Chapter 30 of my book "The Momnificent Life ~ Healthy and Balanced Living for Busy Moms."

Let me know how things go.

Coach Lori

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Lori Radun, The Momnificent!™ Coach, will answer

your questions on how to live a momnificent! life.

 

Although I would love to be able to tell you what dress looks best on you or how to make a million dollars in a year, my expertise lies in the following areas:

 

• Confidence and Empowerment
• Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
• Having Positive Energy
• Creating Supportive Relationships
• Life Balance
• Building and Nurturing a Spiritual Foundation
• Practicing Self-Care
• Being a Nurturing and Effective Parent to your Children

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