Q. Dear Lori, I try the best I can to raise the perfect boys, I just feel like a failure most of the time. I lose my temper and then threaten them with time out, then the behavior continues, and I eventually put them in time out, but they laugh and never take it seriously. Sometimes it even resorts to a smack on the bottom and then there is tears and drama. I feel awful and the pattern repeats all the time. I know I need to be consistent, but it gets exhausting and sometimes I feel like I just don't want to be a mom anymore because I feel like I am doing the worst job ever. Please help.
A. First of all, I want to commend you for reaching out and seeking help. A lot of moms go through this same cycle but feel ashamed to ask for help. The fact that you are asking for help shows your willingness to make changes. Secondly, let's shatter a core belief that is only hurting you and causing more stress than you need. You cannot raise perfect boys, and you cannot be a perfect mom. It is impossible for you and every other mom. Mistakes will be a part of your life, and your boys' life from now until the day you die. It's how we learn about ourselves and life in general. You can use your mistakes to know you want to make changes and grow, but never use them to punish yourself or others.
That being said, let's talk about how you can guide and teach your boys the behavior that you are wanting from them. First, you need to set up some simple house rules. In our house, we have three rules that basically covers just about everything...1. Be Safe 2. Be Respectful 3. Be Responsible
Each time one of your sons breaks one of these rules, you look at him and calmly say "The rule is to be respectful. Do you want to be respectful or do you need to take a break? (timeout)" Your son needs to make a choice at that time. If he chooses to be respectful, he needs to follow through with his actions. If he 30 seconds or 1 minute later he is repeating the same behavior, you say to him "The rule is to be respectful, it is time for break." He must take a break in the same spot every time (1 minute for every year of age), and break starts when he is quiet. If he talks, yells, hits, kicks or gets out of time, add 1 minute to the timer. If your son gets out of time out, do not look at your son, simply point to the break spot and calmly say "It's time for break". After break, take a couple of minutes to process the break with your son by asking him these questions:
Why did you go to break?
What rule did you break?
How do you think other people felt?
What could you do differently next time?
How can you fix the problem now?
When break is over, resume normal play as if nothing ever happened. Do not use any other form of discipline. The most important thing using this technique is to be unemotional, follow through immediately once the rule is broken, be consistent by doing this every time a rule is broken, and to try this technique at least 30 days before you will see any changes in behavior.
Give this a try, and leave me a comment on this blog or email me and let me know how it is going after a week or so.
Good luck! I know you can do it!
