Q. My daughter is 4 years old and her dad (my husband) does not play with her like most daddies do and spend quality time with her. She is starting to notice and she tells me "Mommy, Daddy doesn't love me." It breaks my heart and it makes me have a bad attitude towards him. When I try to talk to him about it he just says well that is crazy. I tell him she is 4 years old and that is the way you are making her feel. His response is "Well, I feel like some people don't love me either." I don't know what to do anymore. My child and her happiness is more important and this is starting to cause problems and I can't talk with him about it. I don't want my daughter to see that it is bothering me because I don't want her to think anymore than she already does about him. She needs a strong male figure in her life. I think that is important, don't you?
A. Dear April,
One of the best books on the market for addressing this issue is "The Five Love Languages of Children". Basically, the five different love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. by Gary Chapman. The original book by Gary Chapman was The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate".
It sounds like your daughter's love language is quality time. Each and every one of us has a different love language - the way in which we give and receive love. For your daughter, she feels love when someone spends time with her (quality time). When that particular love language is missing, she feels unloved. It also sounds like, at least with some people, your husband is not receiving love in the language he most understands.
My first question to you would be "What do you think your husband's love language is?" In other words, how does he normally express his love? Does he say "I love you", or does he do something around the house? Would he bring home a little gift or does he prefer to hug or kiss? Helping your husband to understand the concept of love languages may be a great place to start if he is willing to learn. I know a lot of men don't enjoy reading books, so ask him if he would be interested in listening to CDs in the car on the five love languages.
How does your husband want to receive love? Maybe his love tank is running on empty right now. Depending on his love language, he may not know how to express love using quality time. He also may not know how to play with a little girl, since he's never been a girl before. He may need help from you to learn that language. Try to get your husband involved in a little family play time. Invite him to play a game with you and your daughter, watch a movie together, or do something he might enjoy as a family.
Lastly, begin to educate your daughter about the different ways that people express love. Help her understand that everyone shows love in different ways. Until Daddy becomes better at playing or spending time with her, help her see the other ways that Daddy expresses his love. For instance, you might tell her that Daddy works hard all day so that we have food to eat and a nice home to live in. That's one of the ways he shows he loves us. Look for different things he does to express his love.
When talking to your husband, stay upbeat and positive. Try not to judge him for his behavior, but accept that he is different than you. Ask him how you can love him better, and how you can work together to help your daughter feel loved.
Good Luck!
Coach Lori
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