Q. I have a 4 year old daughter and her father has nothing to do with her and I have not spoke to him since I was 3 months pregnant with her.
I am now married and my daughter only knows him. She never remembers not being without him. She even calls him daddy. He is going to adopt her as soon as we have the money. When and what do I tell her about it all? I don’t want her to be mad at us.
Could you please help me with this or give me some advice?
A. When I first read this question, I will be honest. I said to myself, "Oh, this is tough. I'm not an expert at adoption." But my gut instinct was to advise that you should talk to your daughter soon. I am a firm believer in keeping communication open and honest, but age appropriate with our children.
For instance, there are books available to talk with your children about sex that are geared towards various age levels, starting in the preschool years. While the talk we have with our children about sex when they are 4 will be nothing like the talk we have when they are 14, it's still okay to talk about it.
I imagined what I would want from my parents if I were adopted, and I know I would not want my parents to surprise me with this information later in life. I think I would feel betrayed. The word adoption may be hard for your daughter to understand right now, but you can certainly explain the difference between a biological daddy and a daddy God has chosen for her. Family does not have to be blood related. We can even have friends that are like family. Family is about loving each other. If she were to ask, I would also explain that her biological daddy loves her, but just doesn't know how to be a daddy right now. Although you will have to initiate the beginning conversation, I think its okay to let your daughter lead the discussion. Trust that she will ask the questions she needs to. Give her honest and simple answers. When she's done talking about it, then let it go and let life go on as usual. When the adoption becomes legal and final, celebrate! It's a happy time. God has blessed her with a daddy that wants to love her and raise her. I've even heard of families that celebrate their Adoption Day every year, but that's completely up to you and your husband.
As far as your concerns about your daughter being mad at you, I think remaining open and honest with her will do much for establishing that trust and communicating your love. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. If your daughter does feel anger later in life, it will more than likely have to do with her anger towards her biological father. You will be able to help her work through these feelings if they come up later. Just support her as she explores and resolves this part of her life.
For more information from a real adoption expert, you can read the following post:
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