The Momnificent™ Blog

My Summer Project - Decluttering my Whole House

At the beginning of the year, I always set personal and professional goals.  The goals are typed up, hanging on my bulletin board, as a constant reminder of what I have left to accomplish.  One of my goals is to have my house completely decluttered by the end of the year.  Frankly, I've grown quite tired of complaining about all the unnecessary stuff in my house.  Since the clutter doesn't seem to bother anyone in my family but me, I thought I better take responsibility for my own happiness.

So this past weekend, I got this great idea (or not) that I would just work like a dog, declutter my whole house in one month, and end the summer with a huge yard/garage sale.  I got off on a great start.  I was motivated, and got the playroom decluttered, along with a few easier rooms like my younger son's bedroom, the powder room, and the family room, which virtually has no clutter.

Then yesterday I hit a wall.  The rest of the rooms have way more clutter and much harder decisions that need to be made regarding what I keep and what I sell.  It's not that I'm not capable of making these decisions, but sometimes too many decisions at one time can be overwhelming.  I've also realized I have very little support in this endeavor, and frankly, I could use some moral support right now.  My seven year old loves to stick the price tags on items, but that usually lasts about 5 mintues.  And then he abandons me to find something more interesting to do.

So I will take a deep breath and dive in again, keeping my eye on the end goal and the amazing benefits I will receive when my house is decluttered.  Anyone want to join me in doing a little decluttering, I could use the cyber support.  Leave your comments and let me know how you're doing.

Look how much I have to sell so far!

Childhood Fears: Helping Calm Their Anxiety

What makes children so different?  Some children are fearless, and as their parents, we wish they had more fear.  Other children, however, are extremely cautious and fearful of many things.  I have one of the fearful children, and his fears sometimes baffle me.  The other day I read that human beings are only born with two fears:  the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises.  That means that every other kind of fear is learned...fear of the dark, fear of monsters, fear of bugs, fear of water, fear of bad guys, fear of failure, fear of making mistakes, etc.

If the majority of fears are learned, that means they can be unlearned.  Fear can cause a lot of anxiety, and if the fear is great enough, it can paralyze us and our children.  Although fear is normal, one must develop courage to overcome his or her fears.  With adults, it can be easier to rationalize with them (although not always).  Helping children with their fears can be more difficult because their capacity to rationalize is limited, in addition to their ability to clearly understand or articular their fears.  But here are some tips for helping calm your child's fears.

1.  Acknowledge the fear.  Sometimes we need to help our children identify what they are feeling by naming the emotion.  "It seems like you are feeling afraid right now."  Do not ridicule your child for feeling afraid, but don't be overly protective either.

2.  Talk about the fear.  To the best of your ability, help your child articulate as much as he or she can about the fear.  If she says, I'm afraid of the water, ask her what specifically scares her about the water.  Listen with respect, and see if the two of you can formulate a plan for overcoming the fear.

3.  Reassure your child.  When feeling fear, your child needs to feel moderately safe.  Create some safety for your child by telling her what you or other people can do to help.  For instance, "I will hold you in the water, and I will not let you fall", or "I will walk with you to the door to ask your friend to play."

4.  Expose your child to the fear.  Our natural tendency is to protect our kids when they are fearful.  While many people will avoid their fears, avoiding does little to nothing for helping us overcome them.  Take small steps to help your child face his fear, all while you build his confidence.  "You see, it felt scary, but you're doing it."

5.  Examine your own fears.  It's hard to say where your child developed his fear, but it's possible it started within the family unit.  So put your own fears in check, and take steps to calm your own anxiety.  A child is very perceptive and can pick up on many uneasy feelings a parent expresses or exhibits.

A few weeks ago my younger son was invited to a roller skating party.  He had never roller skated before, and he refused to put on a pair of roller skates because he was afraid.  In an effort to help him overcome his fear and enjoy the party, I put on a pair of roller skates (even though I hadn't roller skated in 15+ years).  I even encouraged my husband to try roller skating, even though he had never roller skated (my husband wasn't too happy with me in the beginning).  We put a pair of skates on the floor next to Ian, and eventually he decided to put them on.  He scooted around the carpet area holding the hand of his older friend, and eventually he was shuffling along by himself.  Although the slippery roller rink was too much for him to handle that day, he at least tried it.

Fear is a normal part of life, but the courageous overcome their fears!  And we, as our children's parents, are instrumental in leading the way.

Book Trailer for The Momnificent! Life

Sometimes it can just be plain fun to get creative!  Accessing our creative selves puts us in higher energies, eliminates stress and relaxes us.  That's exactly what I did last night.  Here is my creative masterpiece.  Hope you enjoy it.

Review of The Momnificent! Life by Danelle Drake for Reader Views

Being a busy mother of four daughters I have often thought and sometimes spoken aloud: “Where is that mom handbook when I need it?” when situations are not going the way they should and I am at “wit’s end” as to how to fix it. I admit as I began reading “The Momnificient! Life: Healthy and Balanced Living for Busy Moms” I first wondered how I was going to get through the 300 or so pages; then would any of the
information pertain to my life and enable me to find the balance I was looking for? The answer was
“ABSOLUTELY!” I seemed to move through the book with speed wanting to learn more and more, eager to implement what I was learning.

As described in the introduction “Momnificent is simply a concept that describes moms who value living
positive, healthy and balanced lives.” Little did I know, but for the past 21 years I have struggled to become Momnificent. A momnificent life is made up of confidence, the ability to set healthy boundaries, positive energy, healthy and supportive relationships, life balance, spiritual foundation, self-care, and being a nurturing and effective parent. Breaking down the way you experience your life into segments you will cover each concept and dissect how you are living. Each of the eight sections will be giving you a “Take Action Assignment” which will leave you with a great feeling of accomplishment when completed.

The process includes sections titled: Personal Development, Spirituality, Fun and Enjoyment, Relationships, Health and Aging, Personal Finance, Career and Profession, and Home and Family. Each section had me opening my eyes and making me realize that it is not always the situation that is the problem but my overly stressed reaction that was making things negative. I was putting so much effort into being the perfect mom that I was losing the fact that I was a human. Life is not perfect, children are not perfect, and parents are not perfect. The following quote from the book really hit home and made for a great beginning for me to proceed thru the process to becoming momnificient:

“The concept of balance defines our Universe. The cosmos, our planet, the seasons, water, wind, fire and
Earth are all in perfect balance. We humans are the only exception.” – Wayne Dyer

I will forever have this handbook, “The Momnificient! Life: Healthy and Balanced Living for Busy Moms”
by Lori Radun and when I am in doubt and struggling, reaching for this book and re-reading whatever is
needed will be my solution. I know I will never be the perfect mom, nobody is; but I do know that now, in
my heart; I understand true balance and I am just as an important part of the puzzle as my children are. I must make sure I am balanced in order to assure their balance. Lori Radun has taken this magical thing called motherhood and made it Momnificent! As my journey through motherhood continues I am looking forward to my own Momnificent life!

Weighing In on your Child's Weight

Guest Author:  Abby Ellin

It happens almost every day: the mother of an overweight child approaches me and asks me what she can do to help her child. She doesn't want to make too big of a deal out of it, lest she cause an eating disorder. On the other hand, she doesn't want to ignore the problem, especially since fat can be unhealthy and, perhaps more specifically, overweight kids--heck, overweight PEOPLE in general--are treated so poorly in this culture. So what's a mom to do? It's a good question, and there are no easy answers. But I do know a few things, from my own experience as overweight adolescent, and from interviewing hundreds of kids and their parents on the matter.

And so, here are my top five tips (plus one extra!) for dealing with your overweight child:

Number one: Don't bug them about it! Chances are your child knows quite well that he or she has a weight problem; they don't need you to make a big deal out of it.

Two: That said...don't keep junk food in the house. Even if you have other children who don't have weight problems, this has to be a family effort. It's not fair to keep Twinkies and Devil Dogs in the kitchen cabinet and only allow certain members of the house to partake. The ENTIRE family has to get behind the child who is trying to lose weight. And anyway, junk food's not good for anyone (though let's be real--there are times when NOTHING beats a bucket of fries and a vanilla milkshake!).

Three: Be a role model. So many women have their own issues with their bodies, and they unwittingly pass their neuroses onto their offspring. Kids pick up on this, even at an early age. They digest those comments we all make: "Mommy's having a fat day!" or "My butt looks so huge in that!" It's best not to make weight a topic of concern, period. That means--yep--you might have to do a little introspection into your own feelings about size.

Four: Don't use the 'D' word. Diet is a terrible word; it's something you go on and off. For most people, weight is a lifelong battle; it doesn't get any easier, alas. It has to be thought of as a way of life, and not just something you do temporarily.

Five: Exercise! Unfortunately, so many schools have cut recess and gym, and kids are often tethered to their computers. It's no wonder there's an obesity problem. But there are gyms that cater to young people; there are video games, like Wii, that actually make you sweat (and burn a calorie or two). It's about being creative.

And lastly: Love them unconditionally! I've known kids who are perfectly fine with their size. It's their PARENTS who have problems with it. So if for some reason they're cool with their appearance, well, good for them! Unless there's a major health issue, if they're OK with their body size, you should be, too.

Abby Ellin is the editor-at-large for Fitsmi.com, and the author of "Teenage Waistland: A Former Fat Kid Weighs in on Living Large, Losing Weight and How Parents Can (and Can't) Help." You can find her at abbyellin.com

Search Inside The Momnificent! Life

Are you the type of person that wants to see inside a book before you buy it?  I know I am.  Amazon is now allowing you to search inside The Momnificent! Life so you can see for yourself if it's the type of book you would want to invest in.  You can now view the table of contents and read a portion of the 1st chapter - actually a very enlightening coaching exercise can be seen if you take a few minutes to view it.  This exercise is just one of the many exercises throughout the book.  Click on the book, and you'll be directed to Amazon to take a peek.

The Power of Moms: The Micro Matters - A Lot

Guest Author:  Saren Eyre Loosli

As I studied third world development and international relations in my undergraduate studies and went on to study what education is and what more it could be with my Masters, I figured out a whole lot of seemingly brilliant solutions to many vital issues.

But somehow I never quite got in the position to implement my ideas.  I did some cool things – worked in orphanages in Eastern Europe, did a little humanitarian work in Kenya and Bolivia, ran volunteer-promotion efforts nationwide, set up programs in needy schools....

...then I started having kids.

Because my fertility clock was ticking when I finally found “Mr. Right,” we started our family quickly, the kids came in quick succession, and thanks to a surprise set of twins, I had five kids in just five years.

I loved my kids dearly and was grateful that my deeply-held dream of having a family had come true.  But mothering didn't come as naturally to me as it does to some and life was pretty crazy for a while. The photo below captures a bit of how difficult those few years were.

As I struggled just to meet the basic needs of my children, I saw my personal need to be involved in the larger world drift further and further away.  I crammed bits and pieces of work for various worthy causes (part-time training and consulting for non-profits, service work for my church, helped a non-profit serving orphanages in Bulgaria get off the ground) in between naps and diaper changes and story time.  But mostly my life consisted of doing rather mundane and often unpleasant things for lots of noisy messy wonderful people with many mutually exclusive needs.

One day I read a quote by Mother Teresa's that stuck with me:  “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”  Motherhood is perhaps the greatest example of a long, long string of small things that, done with great love and extra thought, can have ripple effects that go on for generations.

I came to realize that maybe my “cause,” my purpose in life, was right under my nose.  Perhaps mothering my own kids, helping make the schools in my own community better, being a good neighbor and friend, and learning from and helping the other mothers around me was a much “grander” cause than any other I could pursue.

While it's true that my kids are informed about world issues and pray each night for the orphans in Bulgaria that we do a fund raiser for each Christmas, I hope my kids also are learning something it took me a whole lot of years to figure out:  Doing little things to better the world immediately around you and helping with the things you're already PART OF is vital and beautiful – and often more personally satisfying than trying to impact big groups and sweeping causes.

Taking treats to a lonely neighbor is just as important as sending money to a lonely orphan.  Offering friendship to a left-out kid at school is just as important as giving food to a hungry child in Africa.  Volunteering in my own kids' classroom is just as important as changing education systems.

AND... Helping bright, motivated moms find each other and share what they know is just as important as helping non-profits pool their resources and learn from each other.

The micro matters a LOT.  The macro doesn't happen without the micro.  It really is the little things that count.

You and I can change the world, by changing our world...

One person, one mother, one family at a time.

Starting right here with you and me.

Saren Eyre Loosli, mother of five kids in five years, and co-founder of The Power of Moms, holds a B.A. from Wellesley College and a Masters in Education from Harvard.  She's consulted and conducted training for numerous non-profits including the National Institute on Out-of-School Time, YMCA, public and private schools and One-Heart Bulgaria and has traveled to Africa and South America with Choice Humanitarian.

Building Character Skills in the Out of Control Child

Recently I volunteered to review a book by Dr. C.R. Partridge titled "Building Character Skills in the Out of Control Child".  This book is completely changing the way I parent.  The basic premise of the book is that often well-meaning and caring parents are raising children with immature character.  As a society, in an attempt to compensate for the abusive corporal punishment that was once used in disciplining children, we have gone a bit too far in the other direction.  As we've focused on not damaging self-esteem in our children, and creating a more loving environment for our kids, we are much too often giving our children too much, thus contributing to a society of children that are spoiled and immature.  Dr. Partridge gives us a guide to use when evaluating the character of our children:

1. Can your children move beyond blaming others and external circumstances when things go wrong, and instead accept full responsibility for their actions?
2. Have they given up on being the center of attention, and are they able to develop a 50/50 give and take relationship with others?
3. Are your children able to defer gratification and inhibit impulses?
4. Can they accept frustration without "blowing up" or "falling apart"?

The inability to exhibit these character skills is typical of a 2 or 3 year old, but should not be the norm for children older than this.  What I find very eye-opening about this book is that it is the very loving, flexible and caring parents that are struggling with children displaying immaturity.

On Saturday, I watched a couple struggle with their five or six year old girl at the roller rink.  I'm not sure what set the girl off, but she was completely out of control.  She was screaming, throwing a tantrum, yelling at her parents, and her parents were lovingly trying to bring her under control.  They were threatening to make her leave, but they weren't following through on the threats.  I admit.  I was judging these parents, but no more so than I am judging my own parenting these days.

Building Character Skills in the Out of Control Child has taught me that my time to develop a mature child is limited.  Once children reach the middle school and high school years, it is harder and harder to bring them under control.  With Dr. Partridge's guidance, you can learn a no-nonsense style of parenting as well as techniques you can use to give your children the greatest opportunity for success as an adult.

Dr. Partridge does not advocate spanking, or otherwise I wouldn't support his style, but he recommends a firm and consistent approach for training children to be mature and loving individuals.  Loaded with case examples, specific discipline techniques and instructions on working with your child's teacher, this book is an invaluable tool for moms.  The earlier in your child's life that you read this book, the better.

Top 10 Reasons Our Family Practices Tae Kwon Do

Our family has been practicing Tae Kwon Do for about 9 months now.  I am a huge advocate of martial arts for children and adults.  Here is why our family values Tae Kwon Do:

1.  Tae Kwon Do is a great workout!
2.  Tae Kwon Do allows our family to take care of our health together.
3.  Tae Kwon Do's main value is RESPECT.
4.  Tae Kwon Do teaches confidence and empowerment to somewhat shy children.
5.  Tae Kwon Do utilizes the process of goal setting to grow as individuals (belt ranks).
6.  Tae Kwon Do challenges you physically, emotionally and mentally.
7.  Tae Kwon Do promotes self-defense.
8.  Tae kwon Do requires you to practice focus.
9.  Tae Kwon Do values community and builds unity and family in their schools.
10. Tae Kwon Do is fun!

Here are a few pictures from our testing last night.  Ian and I were purple belts and earned our blue belts.

Ian and I are doing our combination kicks

Ian just broke his board with a hammer kick

I am getting ready to break my board with a hammer kick

Here is me, Ian and Master Lee after we earned our blue belts

Should Chores Be Done Your Way, Their Way, or No Way?

After Ian finished making his bed this afternoon, it got me thinking about children and chores.  Are your children doing chores on a regular basis?  If they are, you've probably already figured out that they don't always do chores the way we would do them.  Either they aren't as skilled as we are, or they have their own ideas.  

Should we insist children do chores our way, be flexible and allow them to do chores their way, or completely give up on the idea of our children doing chores at all?  Well, in my opinion, we should definitely require our children to do chores.  Chores teach kids valuable and necessary skills, in addition to help build their character.  A child that is not required to do anything to help out around the house becomes spoiled and irresponsible.

When children first start doing chores, it's important to teach them how to do the chore.  The other day I taught Ian how to sort dirty clothes.  It was a pretty easy task, but there can sometimes be a subtle difference between light clothes, white clothes and dark clothes.  Supervise your children the first few times to make sure they understand what they are doing.

After that, I think it's okay to let them do chores on their own, and to do them their way, as long as they are not being sloppy or lacking effort.  Let's face it.  An eight year old is not going to clean a bathroom as well as we would, but with practice, they will get better.

Here are some age appropriate chores you can follow as a guide to getting your kids started with chores.  After all, mom can always use more help.

Age 2-3
Pick up their toys
Wipe up messes or spills
Bring dirty dishes to the counter by the sink

Age 4
Help set the table
Put away clean silverware from the dishwasher
Check the mailbox and bring in the mail

Age 5-6
Make their own bed
Feed pets
Help put away groceries

Age 7-8
Sort laundry
Put away clean clothes after being washed
Start leaning to cook and make food

Age 9-10
Make a grocery list
Learn to wash and fold clothes
Dust furniture

Age 11-12
Vacuum
Clean a bathroom
Cook a meal for the family

Teenagers
Mow the lawn and other yard work
Take care of younger siblings
Handle own banking and clothing purchases

Put together a chore plan and get those kids busy.  I'd love to hear how your children are helping out around the house.